


A Tour To Remember

by Zoe13



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), All Time Low
Genre: Anorexia, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Eating Disorder, M/M, Other band Au, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-19
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-04-15 12:51:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 25,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4607442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoe13/pseuds/Zoe13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summer Love Affair is finally getting their big break- opening for 5 Seconds To Rejection. But can Alex Gaskarth keep his chill around 5STR's persistent guitarist, Jack Barakat? And what is their lead singer, Michael Clifford, hiding? </p><p>Luke just wants to play music. And maybe admire his heroes up close. </p><p>Au where ATL are also in their very early 20s and the bands are all jumbled. Basically.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 5 Seconds To Rejection- punk rock  
> Lead singer/guitarist- Michael  
> Guitarist- Jack  
> Bassist- Calum  
> Drummer- Rian
> 
> Summer Love Affair- pop punk  
> Lead singer/guitarist- Luke  
> Co lead singer/ guitarist- Alex  
> Bassist- Zack  
> Drummer- Ashton

"So give us the backstory behind your origins," the interviewer said. "How did _Summer Love Affair_ come to be?"

Alex just smiled politely, which Luke took as his cue to answer. 

"So Ash and I are both from Australia- well, obviously." Some laughter. "Anyway, so we both came to America for summer break and we met Ash and Zach and...sort of just started jamming together, like covers and stuff. But then I showed some lyrics to Alex and he liked them and showed me some of his and we sort of just started writing together." Luke shrugged.

"Wow." The interview sounded like she did not care at all but Luke let it roll off. It was her job, all jobs suck sometimes. 

She flashed a sparkling smile and moved on. "So why are you _Summer Love Affair_?" 

"We played together all summer, but obviously Ash and I had to head home again. Locally we were a hit, and we kept in touch and continued writing over fall through spring, so when we returned in the summer and started playing together again, Ash joked that it was like a summer fling. We got even bigger the second summer, and when we got signed, Ash and I made the move here."

"Now, you two are Australian, and Alex is British, right?"

Alex's head went down when the interviewer looked at him. 

"Yeah but somehow we all ended up here in America. Zach didn't have to move, lazy butt." Luke's transition wasn't eloquent, but it went smoothly and everyone laughed which distracted the interviewer  from Alex.

"So you're off to tour with _5 Seconds To Rejection_. How does that feel?"

Luke perked up. "Amazing! They're one of the best punk rock bands out there. Man, I am so pumped. I never even dreamt about this kind of thing because it just felt too ridiculous to imagine."

"Have you met them yet?"

"No, we're actually heading over to meet them after this wraps up." 

"Well, we won't keep you any longer," the interviewer assured him. "We're glad you could make it. Everyone give it up for _Summer Love Affair_!" 

There was a smattering of clapping and then the cameras were shut off and Luke and Alex were free to go.

"Are you good?" Luke asked Alex on the way out. 

Alex shoved his shaking hands into his pockets. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just still getting used to it."

Luke give him a once over to double check but Alex's shaking calmed and he let it slide. 

 

 

"I'm so excited!" Ashton bounced on the balls of his feet. Then he gasped. "What if they're actually jerks?"

"My whole life would be a lie," Luke said. Alex giggled and Zack ignored them in favor of his phone. 

"Alright," Kayla, one of the staff, told them, "go on in." Luke could tell that she was laughing at them but he didn't care. 

When the door to the hotel room opened, Luke stepped inside first.

He wasn't sure what he expected, but it sure as hell wasn't this. Michael Clifford, lyricist genius, guitarist extraordinaire, and punk rock heartthrob, was swearing at his laptop as he played some nerdy RPG Luke didn't think he'd ever even heard of. Calum Hood was leaning over his shoulder yelling advice. Rian Dawson was in the corner on his phone, and Jack Barakat was hanging backwards off the bed, feet in Calum's lap and his phone also in his hands. 

Luke awkwardly wandered in. Calum made eye contact with him and Luke did a weird little wave as his bandmates piled into the room.

 "Sup," said Calum.

With a crash, Jack slid off the bed, landed in a heap on the floor, and then flew to his feet. "Hiii! You guys are so star struck and naive, aww..." he came up and pinched Luke's cheeks.

"Ow."

Michael shut his laptop and he and Calum came up, smiling openly and not at all like they thought they were superior. Luke breathed a sigh of relief. 

"Hey, I'm Michael," Michael introduced himself and Luke did another tiny awkward wave. 

"I'm Luke."

Damn, Michael Clifford was hot. No, no, bad Luke!

"Calum." Calum shook Luke's hand and went around, stopping at Ashton to smirk and eye him appraisingly.   

"Are you guys excited?" Michael asked Luke. Luke was pleasantly surprised by the genuineness in his voice. 

"Yeah," he said. "I mean, you guys are one of my favorite bands, and this is what I've always wanted to do, so..."

"Good, that's good," Michael said warmly. He smiled- and it was a gorgeous smile- and then slipped through the group of boys and shut himself in the adjoining bathroom. 

"Huh," said Luke. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOT MY BABY MIKEY YOU FUCKING ATTENTION SEEKING BITCHES 
> 
> Enjoy the chapter :)

"Thanks so much everyone!" Luke yelled to the crowd. "We'll just grab our things and get our asses off stage so you can see the band you really came to see- _5 Seconds To Rejection_!" 

The crowd's response was a deafening roar.

"But before that we want to introduce our first song that is over ten minutes long!" Luke cheered. "Nah, I'm just kidding. Exit stage left!"

He walked off without another word. Sometimes he got too excited and couldn't shut up. 

They passed 5STR backstage and Luke saw Michael laughing at him. 

"Hey, I was nervous," Luke whined jokingly.

"Really," Michael said sarcastically. "You're good though, don't sweat it. You guys are already better live than we were."

"Really?" Luke was certain his eyes were the size of saucers. Michael was, after all, still Michael Clifford of _5 Seconds To Rejection_. A compliment from him meant a lot.

Michael's hand dropped from the neck of his guitar and his right hand wrapped around his wrist with shaking fingers. Luke watched the action curiously.

"You okay?" He asked. "You're already sweating. Maybe you should lose a layer." Then he blushed, which made him feel like a complete idiot. 

"Just adrenaline," Michael told him, but his smile was tight. "I'm on. See you later."

As Michael ran out on stage with his band, Luke watched him go. 

It was their first show of the tour and they were only a few days in, but Luke had already noticed several strange things about Michael. The way he'd clutch his left wrist or let his mind wander far away or even just walk out of the room and not return for a little while. How his face looked different in person than the older photos Luke had seen of him from before he got too busy to keep up very well. 

 Luke was probably worrying over nothing. Ash had even laughed at him when he'd said something, but it had been a slightly nervous laugh as Calum popped in and started hitting on him. Again. Luke had left quickly. 

On stage, 5STR launched into a cover of _My Chemical Romance_ 's _"_ I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" that sent chills up Luke's spine. Damn, they were good live, and Michael's quiet personality launched into a fireball of energy and force. His fingers flew over his guitar and his eyes were wild as he sang. 

It was desperate, and even his bandmates looked a little concerned at the vigor with which Michael was forcing out the words, but the crowd went wild for it. 

"I think maybe you're right," Ashton said from behind Luke. "I think maybe something _is_ off." 

They stood together and watched the entire set. The longer Luke watched, the more determined he grew to figure out what was different. 

 

 

 

"I still can't believe we have our own bus," Alex sighed happily. Luke was just happy to see him in such a light mood. 

Alex pulled back the curtain to his bunk and screamed. 

"Hi," came the voice of someone who was definitely _not_ in _Summer Love Affair_. Luke did not jump. Really, he didn't.

"Jack!" Alex put a hand over his heart and glared at the boy grinning at him from inside his bunk. "What the hell are you doing in my bed?" 

"Well, nothing yet." Jack wriggled his eyebrows and Alex's face went red.

"Um." Luke coughed. "Why are you on our bus?" 

"Calum kicked me and Rian out of our lounge and our bus is boring because we're in a band and sick of each other, so Rian is in your lounge enjoying peace and quiet with Zack and I'm here!" Jack rolled out of the bunk and hit the floor at Alex's feet with a _thump_. "Help me up, babe," he said to Alex in a voice muffled by the floor. 

Alex took his outstretched arm and pulled him up, ignoring Luke and Ashton's twin grins. 

"Well you're stuck here until our next stop in two hours," Ashton told him. Jack looked him up and down. 

"I'm surprised Cal-pal isn't here," he grinned. 

"Oh my god, shut up!" Alex smacked his arm and groaned. Jack looked instantly apologetic and Luke sighed and turned, walking straight out the door. 

Maybe mutual silence with Zack and Rian would be better. 

 

 

 

They stopped for lunch at a restaurant. Not for cheap snacks at a gas station, a _restaurant_. Luke found himself stupidly amped, feeling like the reality of it all had just hit him. The second show of the tour was that night and they were opening for _5 Seconds To Rejection_! _Jack_ and _Rian_ had spent a few hours on their bus and he'd held conversations with _Michael_ and _Calum_. He was fangirling so hard when he slid into a booth.

Right next to Michael.

"Oh, sorry, did you want Cal-"

"It's fine," Michael smiled. "I spend every hour with that dork, other company is just fine."

Conversation flowed easily between them as soon as Luke mentioned Green Day. His celebrity crush on Michael grew while he watched him light up as he talked excitedly about meeting them at the Grammys. Celebrity crushes weren't like real crushes, he told himself, so he didn't bother to reel it in. 

"You know," Luke said when everyone started eating. "You guys were kind of like Green Day for us."

"No shit?" Michael's green eyes were wide. "That's kind of- well it means so much. Bands like Green Day and My Chemical Romance, they got me through a lot."

"I don't want to totally like, fangirl or anything, just- it's really exciting to be here." Luke smiled warmly and Michael smiled back. 

"I'm glad you're here," he said decidedly. "I like your band. And I think my band likes your band too." 

Luke looked at his bandmates and laughed. Zack and Rian were across from each other using their phones in silence, Jack and Alex were giving each other fry mustaches, and Ashton was giggling nervously as Calum leaned into his space. 

"Yeah, I think so too," Luke laughed. 

He wondered if he hadn't been imagining things. Michael seemed perfectly normal at that moment. 

It wasn't until they were back on the road that he realized Michael hadn't eaten a thing. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had a shitty week, and while it ended better, comments still brighten my day!
> 
> Why do your crush's girlfriends always have to be way prettier and nicer than you are...

Alex's anxiety seemed to be getting worse, and Luke was at a loss. He knew music was what Alex was meant to do, knew he could get really good at this, but he also knew that it was going to take some getting used to. Maybe he needed different meds.

Jack's teasing remained but there was a softer tone to it, and Luke saw his concerned looks when SLA would get off stage after their show with a shaking Alex. Even Michael, who was usually off in his own head, seemed to notice. But there wasn't much they could do. 

It was especially bad that day. Alex's hands shook while he played, and Luke had already covered up several shaky or barely-there notes. The crowd was especially loud and wild and Alex couldn't even look at them. 

Jack was watching from backstage and Luke acknowledged him with a small nod. Jack had swiftly moved from hero to friend, though Luke still looked up to him, and Luke had come to the conclusion that through all of the innuendos and teasing flirting, Jack actually cared for Alex and had developed a swift but rather large crush on him. 

Luke drifted over to Alex and shared his mic, hoping a familiar presence would calm him down. Alex didn't get better, though, and the song ended on a shaky note. 

As soon as it was over Alex leaned in close to Luke. "I need to get off stage like right now," he whispered, voice shaky. He looked terrible and Luke realized he had panic attack coming on.

Alex's eyes were glassy and unfocused, and Luke took his arm and steered him offstage, hoping Zack and Ashton would understand the problem. Alex's legs gave out as soon as they were out of the crowd's sight and Jack reached out and caught him, pulling his guitar off and giving it to a tech. Luke let go as Alex's breathing turned shallow and rapid, his hands clinging to Jack as he gasped for air.  

"Alex, hey, you're okay." Jack gently lowered them to the floor, whispering in Alex's ear and curling over him protectively. 

"What happened?" Michael asked Luke, appearing out of nowhere. 

"Guys, there's no one on stage right now." James, the tour manager, burst onto the scene. "I know there's a real problem but we need someone up there doing something." 

"I can pull out some acoustic songs," Luke offered. 

"Right, good." James looked relieved. "Mike, you wanna go up with him?"

Michael grasped his left wrist tightly and then nodded. "Sure. 5STR is on in twenty so let's pick a few songs we both know and fill that gap."

Under ten minutes later, after James had told the crowd about there being an 'issue' (nothing specific) and assuring them that things were being resolved, Luke had an acoustic guitar and Michael had an acoustic bass hooked up. Luke had watched in jealousy as Michael deftly warmed up on the instrument, but that was beside the point. They picked some songs they both knew, found a pitch, and headed out. 

"So, guys, it's the fifth show already and we haven't collaborated yet! I guess we're just slow." Luke blabbed nervously as he and Michael seated themselves on the two stools that had been swiftly set up behind two mics. 

"Luke and I are here to filibuster," Michael said dryly, and the crowd laughed. "We're going to go back a few years. Here's "Iris," by _Goo Goo Dolls._ "

A cheer ran through the crowd but quickly died out as they began to play.

" _I'd give up forever to touch you, cause I know that you feel me somehow_ ," Luke's clearer voice started. " _You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be and don't want to go home right now._ "

The room was silent, and everyone seemed to be holding their breath. 

" _And all I can taste is this moment, and all I can breathe is your life,_ " Luke went on and Michael joined in, flawlessly harmonizing. " _and sooner or later it's over, I just don't want to miss you tonight_."

Luke glanced backstage and saw Alex and Jack still clinging to each other. Alex seemed calmer, though, and they were watching the performance. 

" _And I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'd understand, when everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am._ " 

" _And you can't stop the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in your lies_ ," Michael took over, his voice rougher and catching on notes in that way Luke loved. " _When everything feels like the movies, yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive_." Michael's voice stuck on the last line, caught with emotion, and Luke frowned to himself. They moved to the chorus, this time with Michael singing and Luke harmonizing.

" _And I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'd understand, when everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am. I just want you to know who I am_." 

Michael's voice trailed off eerily and Luke shivered when his green eyes turned and looked at Luke almost pleadingly. " _I just want you to know who I am.._."

Their eyes locked for a long moment before the crowd erupted and cut them off. Luke's eyebrows furrowed in confusion but Michael had already moved on. 

"Next is "I Miss You," by _Blink-182_ , a band I think we all have a mutual love for." Michael winked at the crowd and then he and Luke started up.

 

 

 

After a heart wrenching cover of "Disenchanted" by _My Chemical Romance_ and "21 Guns" by _Green Day,_ Luke and Michael exited the stage and 5STR went on when Michael had gotten his electric. Luke quickly hunted down Alex.

He was in the dressing room, and Ashton and Zack had apparently given him some space, as they were nowhere to be found. Alex held his arms out for a hug and Luke sat with him on the couch.

"Hey." Luke hugged him. "How are you doing?"

"Better. Sorry I ruined our set." 

"Hey, you're fine. What happened after I went on?"

"Jack-" Alex's face went red but Luke decided to be nice and didn't comment on it. "Jack just sort of calmed me down and then we watched part of your set with Michael. Then Kayla came and apparently she's a therapist too?" he sounded slightly confused. "I'm not sure what she's doing on tour just helping out when she could have a more 'normal' job, but she said she talked it out with her client here and offered to have some sessions with me. So she's going to be in contact with my doctor and they're gonna figure something out." 

Alex seemed embarrassed and Luke rubbed his back comfortingly. "Hey, that's great. I was really worrying about you, bro." 

"I'll be fine. You and Michael were great."

"Thanks. It was kind of crazy to think I was up there performing with Michael Clifford of _5 Seconds To Rejection_." 

"Jack said he was gonna steal you and make you join 5STR," Alex giggled. "You guys work together well."

"Speaking of which," Luke said in a loud, obnoxious voice. 

"Nooooo," Alex groaned.

"Jack and Alex!" Luke sang at him. Alex covered his ears and turned beet red. 

Luke erupted into a giggling fit and Alex gave up and joined him. 

"Fine, fine. I like him." Alex sighed. "And not in like a 'hey I really look up to you and you play guitar in one of my favorite bands' sort of way. He and I became friends and then I guess it just...kept growing." 

"He seems like a great guy. Never thought I'd have to give one of my heroes the 'best friend talk.'"

"You don't, never ever," Alex said hurriedly. "Besides, it's not like he feels the same way."

Alex just kept whining when Luke burst into loud laughter. 

 

 

 

That night he felt much better about Alex's situation and felt hopeful that things would get better. But he couldn't stop thinking about his performance with Michael and the way the other boy had sung at him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if Michael can play the acoustic bass but I wouldn't put it past him to be that talented godammit


	4. Chapter 4

Luke knocked on 5STR's bus door and Michael opened it a moment later.

"Hey, I think your band stole mine again," Luke greeted. 

"Yeah, they're in the lounge." Michael smiled and motioned for Luke to come in. "Want to hang out with them?"

"Aren't you hanging with them?" Luke asked, passing Michael and then turning to look at him. 

Michael closed the door. "No. I'm open to company, but I prefer it a  bit...quieter. Even Zack and Rian are feeling rowdy."

"Yeah, I get what you mean," Luke said as raucous laughter rang through the entire bus. "Well, do you want company, then?"

Michael looked taken aback. "Sure. If you really want to."

"Yeah, why not." Luke smiled and Michael shrugged.

"Well bunks are the only empty area, so come on."

They ended up on the floor across from each other, backs against the bunks. 

"Wait, wait wait wait." Luke snorted with laughter. "So Calum Hood, _5 Seconds To Rejection_ 's bassist and musical heart throb, is actually a huge _dork_?" 

"The hugest," Michael said with a giggle. It was such a simple sound, but Luke realized that every one before it had been fake when he saw the real thing. It made him stop and think. Just how much of Michael was really him? 

At the moment his eyes were shining and he was laughing genuinely. But every time before that was suddenly thrown into a different light. Who _was_ Michael? 

"Luke? Luke, are you okay?" Michael's expression was slightly concerned. 

"Yeah, sorry. Spacing out."

"How is Alex?" Michael's eyes were warm and sympathetic. 

"Okay. Actually he's doing better." Luke sighed happily. "He's doing a lot better since he started his sessions with Kayla. Wait, shit, am I not supposed to say that?"

"Nah, it's fine, I recommended Kayla."

"Is she your... no wait, shit, sorry again. Oh my god that was so terrible and rude and-"

"Luke, stop." Michael laughed slightly. "Yes, she's my therapist. I basically told you that when I said I recommended her."

"Okay. So do you guys game on the bus?" 

"Hell yeah." Michael grinned at him. "Wanna play?"

 

 

 

While Luke had spent their time together acting casual with Michael, he had to admit that he found himself constantly thinking back on it. Was it a casual 'trouble adjusting to fame' or something much more serious? He and Michael were swiftly becoming friends, he genuinely cared for Michael. It was hard enough watching Alex fight his anxiety- not that he wouldn't want to be there with him every step of the way, he just hated watching his friends struggle. 

Michael was probably fine. It wasn't even Luke's business- Michael had friends and band members. 

But the one thing Luke couldn't erase from his mind was Michael's eyes when they covered "Iris." Somehow he knew that Michael had meant every word of the song and for some reason he had directed it at Luke. No, that was crazy. Luke was obviously crazy and tired and needed to sleep. 

 

 

 

Then one day he put the pieces together. It was because of a fan, actually. He liked to interact with fans on social media when he could, and someone had posted a picture of Michael several years ago and then a recent one.

Michael's face was gaunt. His cheeks were hollow, his hair was dry, and his eyes were sunken in and lifeless. He was thin- no, not thin-

Michael was _anorexic_. 

Luke felt stupid for not seeing it right away. Michael was fucking _anorexic_. How do you help that? What do you do? He couldn't tell anyone. He couldn't ask anyone for help. Should he mention it? Michael had a therapist. Michael was getting help. 

Except he looked worse compared to older pictures. What if none of his friends knew? What if he needed a friend?

After several agonizing days of watching Michael talk his way out of eating, Luke made up his mind. 

He had to find a way to help Michael without letting him know he knew about it.


	5. Chapter 5

Luke found Michael alone on the deserted stage. They'd arrived at the venue early, and Michael was just standing there, staring at the empty room in front of him. 

"What're you thinking?" He asked, standing by Michael and trying to figure out what he was looking at.

Michael sighed. "Sometimes I wonder what problems would be part of my life no matter what and what problems were caused by this career." 

Luke looked down at the thin hands hanging by Michael's side and then at his gaunt face and wondered the same thing himself. 

"It doesn't matter, does it?" he said finally. "You're here right now and you can't change that. Besides, you're damn good at this."

"I don't regret it," Michael said softly. "I just wonder. I wonder about a lot of pointless things, though."

He seemed to lose himself in thought, so Luke gently bumped his shoulder.  

"Hey, wanna sneak out and go on an adventure? Indianapolis is pretty small for a city, and I've been here before. We've got hours."

Michael stared at him. "Like right now? Just go gallivanting off?"

"Yup."

"Fuck yeah!" Michael grinned and Luke's face automatically grinned back. 

"Shh, come on then!" Luke couldn't explain what prompted him to do so, but he grasped Michael's hand and dragged him offstage. His hand jerked when he felt a shock at the touch, but he ignored it and pulled Michael toward the nearest exit. There were many in the venue, and it was easy to slip out of one unnoticed.

They took off once they were out, giggling and glancing at each other as they cleared the extensive parking lot and rounded the first corner that would hide them. Luke pressed his back against the brick of the building, and they both exploded into laughter.

"Why are we laughing?" Luke asked finally, near tears. 

"Because we're fucking idiots," Michael giggled. Luke thought the sound was adorable. 

"Let's go to the art museum and make fun of the art," Luke suggested. 

"You had this planned," Michael mock-frowned at him. 

Luke shrugged. "It was semi spontaneous. Come on."

They spent an hour and a half in the museum, Michael commentating on the art in a terrible English accent that sent Luke into fits of laughter. Luke mimicked a few poses and Michael snapped pictures before they took several together. 

They got thrown out for disruptive behavior, but it only seemed to fuel their good mood. 

"Let's get burgers," Luke suggested, dragging Michael toward what looked like a family owned restaurant. 

"I'm not very hungry," Michael said, suddenly quiet. 

"Do you mind coming with while I get something?" Luke asked, unsurprised by Michael's answer. Michael seemed relieved by his response.

"Sure, let's go."

It was small and a little old fashioned on the inside, and Michael and Luke picked a booth once Luke had his food. He ordered a huge amount of fries with his burger and talked Michael into a soda, joking about the caffeine helping him burn the calories anyway. 

"So when did you randomly decide we were friends?" Michael asked in an amused tone. 

Luke shrugged. "Probably from the start. I look up to you as an artist, our taste in music is almost exactly the same, and we love dumb jokes. It's perfect."

"Well I'm glad," Micha told him. "I've had a lot of fun."

"Me too. Want a fry?"

Michael stared at Luke's plate with a disconcerting amount of want, a struggle obviously going on in his head.

"Yeah, I'll take one," he said casually, but his hand trembled as he selected one and slowly bit into it. Luke deliberately didn't look and dove into his burger. 

"So how are you liking this tour so far?" Luke asked him.

"I think it's been my favorite," Michael said, and his eyes were serious when they met Luke's. A shiver went down Luke's spine.

Michael took another French fry. 

"We should do another cover together," Luke said, fighting to not watch as Michael took yet another French fry. Then another. Luke stopped eating them and Michael ate the entirety with lightning speed. 

Then suddenly he stopped and his face was absolutely _tormented_. Luke's heart broke at the sight before he could even think about the cause. Michael stared at the empty plate in horror and Luke wasn't sure what to do with himself. 

"I'll be right back," Michael said before rushing off.

Luke stared after him. What was he doing? 

Then it hit him and he shot after Michael, crashing into the restroom and grabbing Michael's arm before he closed the stall door.

"Don't," he said firmly. 

Michael stared at him. Luke was relieved to find that the bathroom was otherwise empty. 

"I need to take a piss," Michael said flatly. 

"Michael," Luke practically begged. "You can talk to me."

Michael's lower lip trembled and then suddenly he was sobbing. Luke gathered him in his arms without even thinking about it and sank to the floor. Germs be damned.

"It feels all wrong," Michael cried. Luke stroked his hair and hummed to him. 

"But it's not, Michael. It's perfectly okay to eat. It's _good_ to eat." 

They continued like that for a bit, Michael crying and Luke comforting him. Finally Michael calmed down, laughing at himself through his tears.

"I'm sorry about that. I'm fine." Michael got up and went over to the sink, running the faucet and splashing water on his face. 

"Michael, I mean this in the best way possible, but you're not fine." Luke followed him and watched as Michael scrubbed his trembling hands with alarming force. 

"I'm fine," Michael repeated in a pained voice. His hands turned red and steam rose from the sink.

"Michael, you're burning yourself!" Luke shut off the faucet and grabbed his hands, taking in the sight of the red and raw skin. Michael flinched but didn't pull away. "Why did you do that?"

"I don't know?" Michael said dully. 

Luke sighed and turned the faucet to cold before putting Michael's hands under it. "Your hands are going to hurt for a while, but I don't think they need to be looked at by a professional."

"Thank you," Michael whispered as Luke shut off the tap and gently patted his hands dry, careful not to rub them. 

"Come on, rockstar. Let's get you back." 

Michael returned his smile weakly and followed him.

Luke noted that his sleeves were still down and soaking wet. 


	6. Chapter 6

When Luke brought Michael back, Kayla was rushing around frantically, looking all over for Michael. Luke felt a twinge of guilt. 

Her shoulders sagged with relief when she saw them, the concern in her brown eyes turning into frustration.

"Michael, where were you? And what the _fuck_ happened to your _hands?_ " She reached for them, but seemed to realize it would only cause more pain and dropped her own to her sides. 

"Can we talk somewhere private?" Michael asked quietly. Luke stood to the side feeling like a child that got caught playing hooky. 

Kayla's expression turned sympathetic, the hard, angry lines of her body softening.

"Yes, of course."

"Thanks for spending some time with me," Michael said to Luke. "I really enjoyed it." Then suddenly he pulled him into a hug.

Luke didn't know how to react, so he wrapped his arms around Michael and rubbed his back comfortingly. 

Michael pulled away with a small but genuine smile and then disappeared with Kayla. Luke watched them go, chewing on his lip with worry. 

What now? 

 

 

 

Michael was wearing gloves at the show that night. They were worked into the outfit he was wearing somehow, and no one would be any the wiser. Luke thought back to all the times he'd seen Michael perform with gloves and started to wonder. How long had he been doing that?

Luke's bandmates were partying it up in one of the two shared hotel rooms, which left Luke alone in his and Ashton's. Occasionally he felt like joining them, but the day's events had left him worn out with worry. How bad was Michael? What else was wrong? Why was he doing that to himself?

After a quick shower, he left the bathroom to find Kayla sitting on his bed. He forced down the squawk of surprise, but he did let go of the towel around his waist which promptly fell to the floor. Kayla's resting bitch face didn't move. Luke scrambled to pick it up, face burning.

"Um. What- um. Can I ask-" 

"I have my ways. I need to talk to you about Michael."

"Oh. Yeah. Let me get some clothes on." Luke grabbed sweatpants and a t shirt from his bag and then awkwardly shuffled to the bathroom.

Kayla hadn't moved an inch when he came out, and he still felt awkward compared to her when he flopped on the other bed. She was still in her day clothes and one leg was crossed neatly over the other. In fact, everything from her asymmetrical haircut to her jacket and black jeans was made up of clean, straight lines. 

"Look," Luke started. "I didn't know anything would happen while we were out. He seemed really down and I wanted to cheer him up."

"Michael has informed me that you know I am his therapist. I have doctor-patient confidentiality I need to be aware of, but there are several things Michael agreed that I could say. Nothing too private, though."

"Still," Luke said, "I'm not going to mention anything to anyone." 

"Michael is beginning to trust you and he trusts less easily than even I do." 

Luke stared at her quirked eyebrow and found himself doubting that.

"Well," Kayla sighed. "First of all, running off today was a terrible idea. However, Michael related the events of the day to me and I have to admit two things about you- you are observant, and you are potentially a very good thing for Michael right now. I'm not going to pretend that neither of us knows about Michael's eating disorder. There are other things I want to warn you about, but I can't tell you quite what. However, I would like to make you an ally."

"How can I help?" Luke asked, both confused and trying to sound willing. 

"Help him have fun. It may sound weird, but Michael should be enjoying life. And trust me on this- don't be afraid to to push your friendship. He wants to be friends."

There was a smirk on her face that made Luke uncomfortable. He fiddled awkwardly with his drawstrings and cleared his throat. 

"Yeah, I can do that."

"Perfect," Kayla said before sweeping out of the room. Luke stared after as the door swung shut behind her. 

She was a bit eccentric.

 

 

 

It wasn't Ashton who came back to their hotel room, it was Alex.

"I left early and came to hide in here until they tire out," Alex explained. 

"Cool," said Luke, still staring at the door curiously. 

"Hey, can we talk?" Alex asked hesitantly. He laid on his stomach on the other bed and faced Luke. 

Luke snapped out of his trance. "Yeah, of course."

"What would you say if I told you- well if I said that I maybe like Jack?" Alex's face burned and he fiddled with his blanket, looking anywhere but at Luke.

Luke giggled. "I'd say maybe is an unnecessary word in there. You _definitely_ like Jack."

"Heeeeey," Alex whined. "It's not _that_ obvious!" 

"Your face is red," Luke pointed out helpfully. Alex covered his face with his hands, rolling onto his back and groaning up at the ceiling. 

"Fuuuuuuuck. Do you think he likes me?" 

Luke wanted to crack a joke about middle school slumber parties, but he realized that this must be harder for Alex than for a normal person. Alex covered up so much with jokes, it was hard for him to be serious around people. 

"I think he does," Luke reassured him. "I mean, he _is_ Jack Barakat and he _does_ flirt with everyone- but when he's around you, you're the only one he really pays attention to."

A goofy smile spread over Alex's face. 

"Thanks, Luke. I'm gonna go see him, I think. He asked me if I wanted to earlier."

"Ooooh," Luke teased as Alex got up. "Get it, bro!"

"Shut up!" Alex called cheerfully just as the door shut behind him. 

Luke flopped onto his back, but he'd only just lost himself in thought when the door opened and Ash stumbled in. 

"Fucking Calum Hood," he grumbled, before letting out a high pitched giggle. 

"Are you drunk?" 

"Nah, just tipsy." 

Luke snorted as Ashton tripped over the bed and just gave up, spreading out where he fell. He'd landed close to the middle of the bed, so Luke just left him. 

"Calum fucking Hood. I think I like him." 

"Oh my god. Is my entire band going to marry all of 5STR?" Luke complained. 

"Jack said you and Michael are in loooooove," Ashton mumbled into his pillow. 

"What?" Luke spluttered. "Well, fuck Jack Barakat!"

"I think Alex is," Ashton said before promptly falling asleep. 

Luke crossed his arms and glared at the wall. 

Him, in love with Michael Clifford? It was just a celebrity crush. He'd get over it. 


	7. Chapter 7

The interviewer was smiling a little too widely and her lips were a little too red but she seemed friendly enough and Luke figured he could get through the interview unscathed. Except for the part where it was just him and Michael being interviewed. 

Luke was well and truly fucked.

"So how were those first few days?" the interviewer- Lisa, he remembered- asked. "Was there any tension, trying to figure out the other band?"

"Not at all," Michael said warmly. It seemed like a good day for him and Luke was happy to not have to talk. "Everyone hit it off right away. We love these guys and we'll be really sad when the tour is over, honestly." 

"That's great," Lisa smiled. "So fans have been noticing these little like, bromances going on between each band, with different members pairing off. Would you say that's true at all?" 

Luke wanted to laugh. Half of those weren't just casual bromances. 

"I'd say here's some truth in that," Michael agreed. "Zack and Rian discovered their mutual love for quiet conversation." There was some laughter and Luke loosened up a bit. 

"I think my band was getting sick of each other," he said. "Ash and I get a bit loud for Zack and Alex but Alex isn't the right kind of quiet for Zack and Ash and I just plain needed other company. There's no tension- we're not actually that sick of each other- it's just that it's nice to have other company."

"So we have Zack and Rian with their love for silence. Then Ashton & Calum and Alex & Jack. So that leaves you two."

"Yeah; Luke and I have become very good friends very fast," Michael said with a laugh. 

"Wait, we're friends?" Luke asked before losing his straight face and giggling. Michael giggled too and Lisa watched in amusement for a moment as they giggled together like idiots. 

"Some fans sent in photos of your escapades in Indianapolis," Lisa said when they'd calmed down. "You guys looked very close."

Luke suddenly felt uncomfortable under her sharp gaze. "Yeah sometimes the stress of touring gets to be a bit much and you just want to do something crazy," he said as levelly as possible, looking her straight in the eyes. "I guess Michael remembers pretty well what it's like to be launching onto the scene but inexperienced. I have to admit I get wound pretty right and it was nice to get out for a bit."

Lisa's hawklike gaze snapped and she smiled. "I'm sorry to hear that."

 

 

 

"Thanks for that," Michael said afterward when they were heading back to the hotel. "I've seen the pictures and you can tell I'm not feeling well and I- well, thanks for shifting the attention."

"It's fine," Luke told him. "But I'm not going to ignore the problem."

"What problem?" 

What floored Luke was the honest confusion on Michael's face. He didn't even think of it as a problem.

"Oh, maybe the part where you just don't eat or you make yourself throw up," Luke snarked, his sarcasm masking his concern somewhat. "That might be a problem."

"Oh, I only throw up when I eat a lot," Michael said casually. 

Luke stared at him as if he'd grown anther head. "Michael, you consumed a couple _hundred_ calories. You're supposed to be consuming a couple _thousand_." 

"It feels wrong," Michael mumbled.

Luke just sighed.

 

 

 

The sound of the sink running set Luke on edge when he knocked on Michael's door. It was faint, but he could tell that the bathroom door must be open if he could hear the sink out in the hall. 

Michael hadn't even eaten dinner. Was he just vomiting nothing? 

The sink shut off but it was a few minutes before Michael answered the door. 

"Hey," he greeted. "Aren't you getting wasted with the others?"

"Didn't feel like it. I was wondering if you'd like some company." Luke shifted his weight awkwardly between his feet. 

Michael's face brightened and his next smile was genuine. "Of course! Come on in." 

Luke shut the door behind himself and followed Michael into the room. 

"You can sit anywhere," Michael told him, so Luke flopped on the bed, watching as Michael rummaged through his bag for something. He liked kind of out of it.

"Are you okay?" He asked as Michael paused and braced himself with his hands for a moment. 

"Of course," Michael replied in a choked voice that did not reassure Luke at all. "Just tired."

He stood and was heading over to the bed when he stumbled and then suddenly crumpled to the floor.

Luke flew off the bed and was by him in an instant. " _Michael!_ " 

His face was chalky white and he was unconscious. Luke checked that he was breathing and then pulled out his phone, dialing Kayla's number.

" _What?_ " She asked right off the bat.

"Michael- I went to see him- he-" Luke took a deep breath. "Michael just collapsed. I'm in his room with him and he's still breathing. I think he vomited right before I came which was a few minutes ago."

" _Shit! I'll be right over with the medic. Don't let him move_." She hung up without waiting for a response, so Luke set his phone down and checked Michael's pulse. He didn't have much medical knowledge, but it felt too fast.

Michael moaned and then his eyes slowly opened. 

"What- why am I on the floor?" he asked in a raspy voice. He tried to sit up but Luke gently pushed him back down.

"You passed out," he explained. "Kayla said not to let you move until she gets here."

"You called Kayla?" Michael asked, sounding pissed. He tried to sit up again and Luke pushed him down a bit less gently. 

"Stay down! And yes, I called Kayla. You _passed the fuck out_ , Michael!" 

Michael looked a bit sorry but didn't get anything out before there was a sharp knock at the door. Luke opened it and Kayla burst in followed closely by a guy who looked vaguely familiar. 

"That's Jake," Kayla explained as he knelt by Michael and started asking him questions. 

"So you have a medic tour with you?" 

"Michael's in a bad place physically," Kayla said quietly so only Luke would hear.  "However, he won't admit to enough for me to put him on forced medical leave and he won't do it on his own accord. My options were try to fight it, lose, and then maybe lose Michael, or set up my own little team here and keep him as safe as possible until he decides to try and get better."

Luke just nodded. Kayla seemed a bit sharp at first but he could see that it tore her up to have to watch Michael destroying himself. It was a rough but delicate situation and with the way Michael seemed to be at the moment, his life could end up on the line.

After a little while, Jake had Luke help him get a very pissed Michael Clifford into the bed. 

"I'm fine!" Michael insisted. 

"You are severely underweight, your heartrate is irregular, you have low blood sugar, you keep experiencing dizzy spells-"

"Not underweight." 

Mchael glared defiantly at Jake until he sighed. 

"I'll see you tomorrow, Michael." 

"No you won't. Cause I'm fine." Michael crossed his arms and settled back into the pillows. 

Jake motioned for Luke and Kayla to follow him outside. Luke grabbed the key card and then met them in the hall.

"That goddamn psychiatrist that cleared him," Kayla seethed. Jake sent a warning glance in Luke's direction and she shut her mouth. 

"I'm sorry," she told Luke," it's just patient-doctor confidentiality again. Jake only knows because- well he's on the team."

"So the team is you two?" Luke asked.

"And you, if you want to help," Kayla said. "I'd like to think that Jake and I are friends with Michael, but he's scared to confide in us because we could end the tour if we think he's mentally unfit to complete it."

"Why can't you now?" Luke asked. 

"There's a ton of dumb legal shit, but basically it was bad before and some dumbass psychiatrist cleared him when he really shouldn't have and Michael lies about how he feels physically, so technically we have no grounds for pulling him out. If he passes out again, though, I'll have enough medical problems piled against him to stop the tour. I know it would suck for you guys but it's best for him healthwise." 

"Honestly, if it's best for him then I'm all for it. If my band is gonna make it, it can make it on it's own. I don't want him getting any worse."

Kahla nodded approvingly and then turned to Jake. "What's the report this time?" 

"Basically the same as last time," he frowned concernedly as he looked through a sheet on his clipboard. "Dehydration, low blood sugar, irregular heart rate, probably chest pain- etc, etc."

"Luke, can you stay the night with him?" Kayla asked. "I think I could get Jack to switch rooms with you. I'll tell him and whoever you're rooming with that you and Michael wanted to hit the hay early. I think they're in Calum and Rian's room doing whatever they think is hilarious this time."

"Sure, let me grab my bag." 

Luke headed down the hallway to his and Alex's room. He turned and glanced back at Kayla and saw her leaning on Jake, looking more worn out than he seen anybody but Michael. Jake gently felt for her pulse and Luke let himself into his room and let them have some privacy for a few moments. 

 

 

 

Kayla sent him a text asking if he could try to get Michael to drink something, so Luke grabbed a water bottle and a Gatorade before letting himself into Michael's room. 

Michael looked perfectly cheerful when he re-entered. 

"Hey, Kayla told me you're sleeping in here. Sorry about that." 

Luke stared at him. He half wanted to throttle him, half wanted to hug him and tell him that he needed to stop hurting himself this way. His heart still hadn't recovered from the shock of Michael just collapsing. 

He set the water and Gatorade on the nightstand by Michael instead, putting a little too much anger into it and rattling the lamp. 

"Are you angry?" Michael asked meekly. 

"You scared the hell out of me," Luke said, but he softened up and sat down on Michael's bed. "You're destroying your body."

"I know." Tears welled up in Michael's eyes and soon they were spilling over. "Fuck, _I know_." 

"Then _stop_ ," Luke pleaded. 

"I can't!" Michael cried. Luke shifted up the bed and wrapped his arms around him. 

"You can," he said determinedly. "Let me help."

"Okay," Michael said in a small voice. "Okay." 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this great chapter written out and then it fucking disappeared I'm so pissed

Ashton had been missing for the past two hours and Luke was freaking the fuck out. Alex had already had a panic attack and Luke was on the verge of having one himself, but he was trying to contact Ash and he couldn't be a wreck. 

Jack was with Alex, but Luke was still worried about him, and Ashton could be anywhere. He'd disappeared from the hotel in fucking _New York City_. 

"Hey Luke, what's going on?"

Luke turned to see Michael behind him, and he stopped mid text. 

"Ashton- fucking hash tag- can't find him-" coherency didn't seem to be an option and Luke couldn't breathe. 

"Hey, hey, you need to breathe." Michael rested a comforting hand on Luke's arm. "Just breathe."

He started breathing deeply and Luke tried to follow suit. It felt like forever, but he finally started breathing more normally and his mind cleared a bit. 

"Ashton used to self harm," Luke started. Michael flinched but Luke barely noticed through his still-present panic. "He's been clean for a few years, but he said something about it to the fans and now the goddamn hashtag is trending and he saw it and now he's missing-"

"Hey, remember to breathe. What hashtag?"  

Luke couldn't speak so he pulled up trending tags on twitter and showed Michael his phone. 

" _Keep cutting-_ " Michael's eyes widened. "What the _fuck?_ " He exploded. Luke flinched and he immediately calmed down. "So he's missing? Has he ever been suicidal?" 

"No- he told us he hadn't and I think he was telling the truth, but things can change, and-"

"If he's been clean for a few years, I doubt he's suddenly suicidal now. How about I go help look for him and you stay here and try to call him?"  

"O-okay. Just-"

"I'll text or call you as soon as someone find him. Just remember to breathe, okay?" Michael looked him right in the eyes and Luke nodded. 

"Thank you."

"Of course." Michael pulled him into a quick hug and then disappeared.

 

 

 

_Michael: found him. He's safe. Heading back_

Luke let out a sigh of relief and fell backward onto the hotel bed. He sent a quick text to Jack so he could let Alex know and then headed out into the hallway to wait. 

It wasn't long before they appeared. Ashton had tears on his face but he was smiling at Michael and Luke felt another wave of relief hit him. 

"Ash! Oh my god, you scared the shit out of me!" Luke tackled him and wrapped his arms around him tightly. 

"I'm sorry, I just- I had to-"

He fumbled for words and Luke brushed it off. 

"Hey, you don't have to explain if you don't want to or can't. As long as you're safe."

"I let the others know," Michael said. 

"Thank you so much!" Luke pulled Michael in too and the older boy stumbled into Luke and Ashton. "When everyone else shows up, we're going to have a huge group hug and I am never going to let any of you go." 

"Ashton!"

Luke and Michael jumped away as Calum barreled through and tackled Ashton. 

"You scared me!" he scolded. Ashton wrapped his arms around him.

"I'm sorry," he said softly. Before Luke could register what was going on, Cal was crying into Ashton's shoulder and clinging to him like he was going to disappear.

Michael and Luke made eye contact and then edged away. Luke let them into his hotel room and softly shut the door. 

"Thank you," he repeated. "How was he?"

"Upset, which he had a perfect right to be. Those fucking _assholes_ -" Michael stopped himself. "Anyway, he didn't do anything. I think he got overwhelmed and left to clear his head and maybe get away from anything he could potentially...use. We talked for a little bit and I think he's doing better." 

Luke sat down and sighed. "He looked like he was feeling better. You probably think I'm overreacting, but he's been clean for two years and I never want to see him go through that again."  

Michael sat by him on the bed. "I don't think you're overreacting. Ashton is strong, he's overcome a lot. He's also managed to break down Calum's barriers in only a few weeks."

"Well I think I approve," Luke said. "I like Calum."

"He's a stubborn one but he cares a lot. I think that's what Aston needs." 

"You're in the stubborn band and I'm in the sensitive band," Luke joked. 

Michael suddenly looked very tired. "That's not entirely true," he said. 

Luke looked at him in concern. "Hey, I think today wore you out. You should get some rest." 

"Yeah, maybe." 

"Wait." Luke got a Gatorade out of his bag. "Please drink this. I know you won't eat, so please just compromise for me."

Michael stared at the plastic bottle for a moment before taking it silently. 

"Thank you," Luke said softly. 

"Thank _you_ ," Michael repeated to him, and then he was gone. 

Luke found himself staring at the door long after Michael had left. Maybe it wasn't just a celebrity crush. Maybe- 

Maybe he had legitimate feelings for him. 

 

 

 

"Michael had a lot of helpful things to say," Ashton started with when he went into Alex and Luke's room. He flopped onto Luke's bed next to him.

"Did Calum?" Luke asked, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. Ashton turned red but didn't say anything.

"Oh my god!" Alex yelled at him. "He was joking!"

"It was only a kiss!" Ashton defended himself, pushing Luke off the bed when he began singing _Mr. Brightside_. "But...I really like him."

"Aw..." Luke cooed from the floor. 

"Cashton," Alex snickered. 

"Jalex," Ashton countered defiantly.

"Oh my god, pairing names?" Luke exploded into laughter.

"Muke!" Alex and Aston yelled simultaneously before bursting into laughter at Luke's face.  

"That's not even real," Luke grumbled.  

"Oh come on," Ashton giggled. "We're just a giant gay tour." 

"I'm _bisexual!_ " Luke protested. "Discrimination! Or something like that."

"Whatever." 

But Alex and Ashton were both really laughing and Luke let it slide. As long as they were laughing, he could take a few harmless jokes. 


	9. Chapter 9

Luke and Alex had switched with Calum and Rian for the day, and they ended up in _5STR_ 's bus lounge. Jack and Alex were giggling over some shit on Jack's phone, but Luke was watching Michael in concern.

He'd been out of it all day. He would randomly space out, and then snap back in and comment on something that hadn't been mentioned for several minutes. His eyes were glassy and his hands were shaking. 

He'd been sitting in the same position for hours, but he finally moved at around 2 in the afternoon, covering his growling stomach with his crossed arms. He got to his feet, swayed for a moment, and then stumbled to the separate kitchenette.

Alex gave Luke a concerned look. "Is he alright?" 

"He's probably just tired," Luke lied, forcing a smile. "I'll go check on him, maybe get him to take a quick nap." 

Jack winked at him cheekily, but Luke followed after Michael deep in thought.

"Hey," he said softly when he found him by the sink. All he had was a glass of cold water. 

"Hi," Michael tried to grin, but he suddenly seemed to experience bad stomach pain and curled in on himself. 

"Michael..." Luke ran a hand over his face. "You need to eat something."

"I'm fine," Michael said stubbornly. He stood up straight, but it was too much and he swayed again before stumbling sideways. Luke caught him, almost letting go accidentally when he felt Michael's ice cold skin. Michael leaned against his chest for a moment, struggling to breathe despite having done nothing but walk to the kitchen. 

Luke helped him over to a stool and gently sat him down in it, making sure he leaned forward onto the counter so his weight wouldn't shift and cause him to fall. Michael watched him with sunken in eyes as he pulled a stool around the other side of the counter and faced Michael. 

"When was the last time you ate?" Luke asked quietly. 

"This morning."

"Bullshit. When was the last time you ate?" 

The fight drained out of Michael and his shoulders slumped. "Wednesday. Morning."

"Oh my god- Michael, it's _friday!_ " Luke hissed.  

"I-"

"No. Shut up." Luke got up and rummaged through the fridge and then a few cabinets. He returned with an apple, a few slices of lunchmeat, and a Naked juice. He set them in front of Michael.

Michael stared at him, wide eyed. He shook his head. "Luke, I can't, I'm not hungry-"

"Bull. _Shit_." Luke repeated. "If you don't eat all of this, you can expect to pass out at tonight's concert, because you've already come close and you've got hours until then."

That got Michael's attention, and he stared down the food before picking up the juice. Luke breathed an inward sigh of relief. 

Michael's hands shook so badly he couldn't twist off the cap. Luke gently took the bottle, opened it, and handed it back. 

"Thank you," Michael said meekly. He was still shaking and Luke tried to think of how to distract him. 

"Our bands should mix up and each do a cover," he suggested.

"How so?" Michael asked, taking a small sip. 

"Like switch up bassists and drummers and whatnot," Luke explained. "Rian and Ash could switch out and Jack and I could switch out since I'm technically a guitarist as well as a singer."

"So it would be..." Michael tried to think through how they'd end up. 

"You, me, Ash, and Calum as one," Luke supplied. "Just for, like, a cover or something. It's just a suggestion." He shrugged. 

"No, I like it." 

Luke didn't comment on the fact that Michael had eaten almost everything and was nearly done with the juice. 

 

 

 

"I was thinking something by _Green Day_ would be good," Luke suggested. They'd arrived at the venue with plenty of time to spare and approached the others with the idea. They'd all been up for it and Luke was currently in a back room with Ash, Michael, and Calum, brainstorming over what to do.

"I'd go for that," Calum agreed. 

"I've always wanted to try covering _American Idiot_ ," Michael admitted. He was looking much better- he was less pale and more steady on his feet. 

"Let's do it," Luke said. Ashton and Calum agreed, and they set about splitting it up. 

"So you sing," Michael said to Luke, "I sing, and Calum sings, so let's split it up vocally too." 

"Ashton's quite good too," Luke told him. 

"Eh," Ashton grunted, but he looked pleased. 

"Okay. Great!" Michael was beaming and he pulled out his acoustic guitar and flopped next to Luke on he couch, their knees knocking together gently. "Here, help me figure it out." 

Luke tried to ignore Ashton and Calum's not-so-subtle suggestive looks. 


	10. Chapter 10

Luke hadn't known that he had a thing for guys with black nail polish, but apparently he did. Michael had been biting said nails and the chipped polish was contrasting with the paleness of his skin. 

He'd noticed that the more stressed Michael got, the more effort he put into what he was wearing. He even had a faint smudge of eyeliner on. 

Yeah, Luke definitely had a thing for guys with black nail polish. And eyeliner. And black skinny jeans. And colored hair.

Okay, Luke just had a thing for Michael. Whatever, it wasn't that big- he could deal with it.

"You ready for this?" Michael asked Luke with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. They were sweaty and tired from the show, but Michael still had a lot of energy. 

Luke grinned. "Are you kidding? Me from even just a year ago would be screaming about this. This is actually a dream come true."

Michael just laughed at him.

Luke loved those moments, when Michael seemed happy and carefree, when he would tease Luke and seem like he was doing just fine. 

A few moments later, they were on stage, the four of them: Luke, Michael, Ashton, and Calum. The crowd seemed confused but screamed anyway, and the volume went through the roof when Michael explained that the encore for the night would be their cover of _American Idiot_. Then they launched into the song with all the energy they had left. 

Michael _owned_ it. They all threw themselves into it, but Michael flew around the stage, fingers flying over his guitar. Whenever he was singing, his voice tore out of him. He looked fucking _hot_ , and Luke couldn't tear his eyes away. 

Michael had arranged to have it filmed, and Luke knew what he was going to be doing with his time when he could watch it. He just hoped no one caught his wide eyed awe. 

They were a good band, even if just for one song. They sort of bounced off of each other, passing vocals on to the next person and blending their instruments well. Luke almost felt high.

Michael sang his second part into Luke's microphone, their faces inches apart. He was all up in Luke's space and the crowd was loving every moment. Luke was too, but outwardly he just rolled his eyes and tried not to smile too fondly.

It was over too soon. Luke drank in the insane volume of the crowd when they finished and then followed after the others when they exited the stage. 

"Your turn next show!" Calum yelled to Alex. "Good luck!" 

Alex rolled his eyes and Jack flipped Calum off. "We'll outdo you yet, Hood!"

 

 

 

Ashton sat by Luke during the ride back to the hotel and stared at him until he cracked. 

"What?" 

"Sooooo....." Ashton drawled, and then suddenly Luke's whole band was grinning creepily at him. "Michael?"

"...is very nice?" Luke tried. 

Alex sighed. "Is totally into you, you donut." 

"No he's not," Luke scoffed. 

"I don't talk to him much- because he's always talking to _you_ \- but when I do, he's always talking _about_ you," Ashton told him. 

"Whatever," Luke said, and then spent the rest of the ride trying to hide his red face from his bandmates. 

All joking stopped when they got out at the hotel. 5STR was in the lobby and Michael was white as a sheet and leaning on Calum. 

Luke was in front of him in an instant. "What's wrong?" 

"Just tired," Michael brushed him off. 

"Bullshit," Calum scowled. "You can't even stand up alone. 

Luke ignored Michael's protests and grabbed his wrist, noting that his pulse was fast. 

"What should we do?" Calum asked Luke, and Michael seemed too tired to fight then anymore. 

"Who's supposed to share a room with him tonight?" 

"I am," Jack raised his hand. "We're in 216." 

"Can you share with Alex?" Luke asked.

Jack nodded and Luke was grateful for the lack of dirty jokes. It must have been hard for Jack to hold them back. They switched out key cards and Luke sent everyone off to their rooms. 

"Where's Kayla?" He asked Calum. 

"Stuck in traffic with the rest."

"Okay, I'll get Michael upstairs. I need you to find me some basic food- lunch meat, fruit, carrots, whatever. And water. Bring it up and then wait for Kayla and Jake."

Calum nodded and helped Luke get Michael's arm over his shoulder. 

"I'm fine," Michael attempted when Luke dragged him to the elevator. 

"Shut up. You're killing yourself slowly, you're not fine." Luke slammed the elevator button angrily, and Michael fell silent. 

He tried to walk when they exited the elevator, but his legs kept giving out. He was breathing heavily and his face was contorted in pain, and Luke was freaking out by the time he helped Michael onto one of the beds. 

Calum caught the door before it closed and handed Luke a water bottle, a banana, and a cereal bar.

"Jake and Kayla are on their way up. They just arrived." 

Then he was gone, looking concerned but trying not to get in the way.

Luke let Jake and Kayla in and sat outside, trying to collect himself.

Michael was _dying_. Maybe not right that moment, but he was starving to death. 

Luke knew about it, knew some of the results of _anorexia nervosa_. Michael's heart rate had been insanely fast, it could give out at any time. 

He felt like he was in a hospital waiting room when Jake and Kayla finally let him back in. Michael was glaring at them but he'd eaten the food and the water bottle was almost empty. 

"This tour is gonna be cut short," Kayla told Luke quietly so Michael wouldn't hear. "I give it one, maybe two more shows before he passes out. Then he'll be sent home."

"Yeah. I understand." 

"Good. Calum said you're rooming with him tonight?" 

"Yeah; I switched with Jack."

"You're good for him. See if you can get him to eat or drink more. You've got my number, let me know if anything happens. Jake said he's stable for now but with his condition, you never know." 

Then they were gone and Luke was left alone with Michael.

"I-" Michael started. 

"Don't you dare," Luke cut him off. "Don't you fucking get mad at us. You're dying, Michael. You're _dying_."

"I'm fine."

Luke gaped at him for a moment. "I...fine. Fine. What are we going to tell the others?" 

"That I'm fine." 

"They're not gonna buy it." 

Michael sighed and leaned over to untie his shoe. "It's just for now. I'll- I'll think about trying after the tour." 

"Okay," Luke said softly. 

"I-" Michael let out a frustrated sound. "I can't untie my shoes." His fingers were shaking too much.

Luke knelt in front of him and helped him get his shoes off, and Michael leaned on him and immediately began to doze off. Luke sighed and stood up, helping him sit up. Michael mumbled something incoherently, closing his eyes.

"You have to stand, Mikey," Luke told him. Michael staggered to his feet and Luke unfastened his jeans and helped him out of them. He went for his shirt but Michael stopped him. 

"Jus' wanna....sleep." 

Luke sighed and helped him into the bed, pulling the blankets over him.

"Hey Luke," Michael called when he turned away. "Will you- would you stay with me?"

Luke blushed. "Y-yeah, I suppose." 

He slipped out of his shirt and pants and gingerly got under the covers, flipping off the bedside lamp. Michael moved closer to him until they were touching and then promptly fell asleep. 

All Luke could think about were the sharp points of Michael's bones that he could feel all too well. 


	11. Chapter 11

When Luke woke up the next morning, it was to the sound of someone crying. He blinked away the blurriness in his eyes and turned over to see Michael's frail back facing him, his shoulders shaking. 

"Hey," Luke leaned on his elbow and touched Michael's sharp shoulder. "What's wrong?"

Michael curled in on himself and covered his face. 

"Michael," Luke said softly. He pulled gently on Michael's shoulder, and Michael turned over. His eyes were red rimmed and full of tears, but he bit his lip and refused to say anything. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Michael's voice cracked.

Luke sighed. "Come here." He pulled Michael forward and wrapped his arms around him. Michael resisted for a moment, but then he relaxed, and a few minutes later Luke felt his shoulders shaking again. 

There was so much that Luke wanted to say, so much that Michael needed to hear- but not right in that moment. Luke just sat in silence and let him cry, feeling his heart break a little. He wanted to yell at him for hurting himself like that, but he didn't know Michael. He didn't know his story, he didn't know what it was like in his head or what had caused him to make these choices. But he wanted to know- god, did he want to know. Not because he needed his curiosity satisfied but because he wanted to know Michael, wanted to understand and help him. 

Michael slowly calmed down but he still clung to Luke like a frightened child. Still, he said nothing. 

Then suddenly he was pushing away, scrambling out of the blankets and tumbling off the bed with wide eyes. 

"I'm sorry- I can't-" He flew to his feet and ran to the bathroom, locking the door behind him. 

Luke stared after him in shock, still shirtless and tangled up in the blankets. He got up and cautiously approached the door before knocking. 

"Michael, what's wrong?" 

There was no answer. He knocked again. 

"Michael?" 

"I need to be alone," Michael's voice was muffled and Luke leaned against the door to listen. 

"I don't want to leave you alone," Luke sighed.

Michael paused. Then, "I want Calum, but no one else."

"Okay." Luke swallowed thickly, feeling a bit like he'd been rejected. "I'll go get him."

"I'm sorry, Luke," Michael said softly, and the sincerity in his voice took a bit of the edge off. 

"It's alright," Luke said. "I'll find Calum."

 

 

 

Michael was fighting so hard to act alright that he seemed almost giddy. There was a manic glint in his eyes and he wouldn't stop talking. Calum and Luke kept exchanging concerned glances, but they weren't quite sure what to do. 

They were stuck in the hotel for the day, as the venue for that night and from the night before were fairly close and wouldn't require much driving to reach. Jack, Ashton, and Alex had gone to explore, and Zack and Rian were in another room, which left Luke, Calum, and Michael together. Luke had simply told everyone that Michael hadn't eaten enough, which was true, and they all brushed it off, but he could tell that they suspected there was more to it. They seemed to trust Luke to handle it, though, which made him nervous. 

Calum, however, didn't seem satisfied. He was fine with Luke, grateful toward him, if anything, but he seemed to want a better answer. He couldn't say anything in front of Michael, though, so they tried to relax and just hang out. 

They watched some tv and Luke practically forced some snacks down Michael's throat, but Michael avoided him as much as possible. He ate a bit and acted happy and energetic, but his eyes were dead and never settled on Luke unless Luke was looking away. 

He ran out of breath just talking several times, and Calum went from confused to downright freaked out, but still remained silent. 

Finally, Jake came and dragged Michael off without explanation. Then Calum turned to Luke.

"He's not been eating, has he. At all."

Luke just looked at him helplessly.

" _Fuck!_ " Calum stood and angrily kicked the bed. "I've been so goddamn blind. How did I not see how fucking _skinny_ he's gotten?"

"No one did, Calum. He's good at hiding it, he's had practice and he's desperate."

"How did you know, then?" Calum asked him. 

"You didn't notice a change because you saw it happen so slowly. I saw a before and after, almost. I used to keep up with 5STR before my band started, but we got busy suddenly and I didn't see any recent photos. I went from seeing Michael over a year ago to suddenly seeing him now. And...when we disappeared in Indianapolis, I observed some...issues. I don't know what I can say."

"What's going to happen?" Calum asked softly. 

"Jake and Kayla are monitoring him. I don't know how long the tour can go, though. I don't think he'll be on his feet for much longer."

Calum sat back down on the bed and stared at the wall in shock. "I knew he was seeing Kayla because he was struggling with depression, but whenever I asked, he said he was dealing with it, figuring out how to live with it. And last year, when we were all visiting our families, he disappeared for a week. Didn't respond to any texts or calls. He never told me why." 

"It's not your fault," Luke said, because it wasn't. "Michael is- Michael is smart. He's smart, and he knows you all so well that he knows just how to hide things. No one saw it because how could they? Don't underestimate what this kind of...mental issue drives people to do."

"I may talk to Kayla," Calum said. "See what I can get out of her."

"Legally she can't say much, but she might have some advice," Luke agreed. "It's worth a shot."

 

 

 

Michael's manic energy waned a bit after a few hours but came back full force by the time the show started. _Summer Love Affair_ 's show wasn't their best ever, but Luke powered through it and left a lot of his anger on the stage. 

 _5 Seconds To Rejection_ was disjointed. Michael couldn't harness the frantic energy, and his mind was obviously all over the place. Calum messed up in a few songs as he watched Michael intently, and even Jack and Rian seemed concerned. Luke watched from the sidelines, and it felt like watching a train wreck. The crowd was too high on adrenaline to notice much, but everyone backstage watched breathlessly. 

Despite how long Luke had been waiting in anticipation of the moment, he still froze in shock when Michael stopped mid song, staggered a few steps, and then crumpled to the floor. 

The music stopped and screams erupted all around. Jake and Luke moved quickly, but neither could beat Kayla to Michael's motionless body. She was already taking his pulse, and she turned white as a sheet. 

"His heart stopped," she said, so terrified that her voice would barely come out. 

Time stopped and everything became a blur. People rushed past Luke, bumping his shoulders and shouting to each other. Some were still screaming, but the sound was muffled, as if it was coming from another room. All he saw was Michael's still, pale face. He wanted to see his eyes again. He wanted to see that shade of green he hadn't found anywhere else. 

He wanted to say _I love you_. 

Someone was talking to him, but he didn't hear a word. Then there were gentle hands on his shoulders, guiding him away. His body moved without being told, but his mind didn't even notice.

Michael was dying. _Michael was dying,_ and he hadn't even said goodbye. 

 

 

 

When the world rushed back in, he found himself sitting on a bed back at the hotel. The others were all there but Calum, and they all looked drained. 

"Whats-" Luke cleared his throat. "What's going on?" 

"Hey," Ashton said gently, moving to sit by Luke. "Welcome back to the real world." 

"Where's Michael?" 

"Michael- um...Michael's in the hospital. He had a heart attack." 

Then the room was gone again, and Luke was lost in limbo.


	12. Chapter 12

A hush fell over the previously loud room when Calum entered with Kayla. Jake trailed in behind them, and they all looked serious. Luke's heart sank. His eyes felt swollen when he turned to face them, but he hadn't shed a tear yet, and he hoped to god he wasn't going to be given more of a reason to now. 

"He's stable," Calum said quietly. Everyone in the room relaxed, and Luke felt as if a heavy pressure on his chest had been removed. He breathed freely again. 

"I me with the tour manager and some other people," Kayla addressed the whole room. "Unfortunately, the tour will have to be cut short. I'm sorry, but Michael has some serious issues to sort out. I have been given permission to address the specific issue that hospitalized Michael, but there is more that will not be disclosed a this time. Jake?"

Jake stepped forward and his exhaustion was quickly hidden away. "Michael has been suffering from an eating disorder. This disorder caused him to lose far too much weight, which weakened his heart and made him prone to a heart attack. Kayla and I were on tour to prevent as much damage as possible, but Michael refused further assistance and had several close calls."

"The public will not be notified of the details. Thank you for your time." 

Kayla swept out, but the normally straight line of her shoulders was broken, and Jake took her hand as he followed her out. 

Calum sat down by Luke on the bed and cleared his throat. "I'm sorry about the tour, everyone." 

"Hey, don't worry about us," Ashton said softly. They all knew the apology was aimed toward _Summer Love Affair_. From a business stand point, having their debut tour cut short could be devastating- but Luke felt confident that none of his bandmates were so shallowly inclined. "If we're going to make it as a band, we'll make it. Michael is our main concern right now. All of ours." 

"Did you talk to him?" Luke asked. His voice was gravelly but he refused to cry. He needed to be strong.

"Yeah. He wants all of us to visit tomorrow. And he feels like shit about it." 

"He's reacting positively?" Luke asked incredulously. He'd expected Michael to be resisting any sort of assistance. 

"I think he's realized that he scared the shit out of us," Calum said with a wet laugh. Ashton moved to sit next to him, throwing an arm around him and stroking his hand over his shoulder comfortingly. 

"When can we go see him?" Jack asked from where he and Alex were tangled up on the floor.

"Visiting hours start at nine, so we'll leave at 8:30. They're only going to let us in a couple at a time, though."

"I suppose that we should all get some rest," Ashton said, pulling himself to his feet. "This is mine and Luke's room, so get out." 

A few people let out weak laughs and then everyone left, but Luke barely noticed. When the room was empty, Ashton sat by him on the bed and pulled him into a hug.

"You knew, didn't you," he said softly. It wasn't really a question, but Luke nodded anyway. "Aw, babe I'm so sorry. It's not your fault, really."

Luke hadn't noticed the guilt before, but it suddenly flooded down on him, threatening to crush him. First his shoulders began to shake, and then suddenly the lump in his throat disappeared and he was _sobbing_. Ashton just pulled him closer and let him cry into his shoulder.

"He was _dying_ ," he cried. "I tried to help, but I didn't do enough, and he almost _died_." 

"Hey, it's okay, Luke. He's going to be okay."

"What if he's not? What if he won't get better?"

Ashton sighed. "He's got a lot of people who love him. We'll get him through it. He'll get better."

Luke sniffled. "I hope so."

 

 

 

They let Luke in alone, which he tried not to overthink- was the last to go in, and he didn't feel brave rough to go alone. Approaching the hospital room door was one of the hardest things he'd ever done. He didn't know what to expect, and he had no fucking clue what to say. 

Michael was fiddling with his IV and he didn't notice Luke walking in. It was a second before Luke realized that he was trying to pull it out. "Michael, _stop!_ " He lunged forward and pulled Michael's hands away from the IV. 

"Luke?" Michael yanked his hands away and stared at him. "I thought you weren't coming."

"Why wouldn't I come?" Luke asked, watching Michael's hands warily. 

"I-" suddenly Michael couldn't look at him. "I thought you'd be angry."

"I'm not..." Luke trailed off and then moved to sit in the chair by the bed. "Okay, I am a bit," he admitted. "But I'm mostly worried and just trying to understand. Why do you- why do you do things like try to _rip out your IV_ , or- or let yourself get to the point where you've lost so much weight your heart actually-"

He stopped, the lump in his throat returning and refusing to let him continue. 

Michael was staring at him wide eyed when he finally looked up. "I didn't know you would care." 

He looked so surprised at Luke's tears that Luke's heart broke once again. 

"Of course I care, you idiot," he choked wetly. "I was so worried!"

Michael looked down at his hands. "It's- it's really hard to explain. I don't even understand all of it. It's like this fucking IV- I can't control this, I don't know how many calories they're giving me, or- or-"

"It doesn't matter, Michael, it doesn't fucking matter." 

Michael slumped dejectedly. "I know," he whispered.

"Then don't think about it," Luke said softly. 

"I can't stop!" Michael cried, and then suddenly his eyes were filling with tears. Luke sat on the bed and pulled him into a hug, rubbing circles into his back and trying not to cry with him. "I can't stop." 

"Yes you can," Luke told him. "Let me help." 

"Okay," Michael pulled back and tried to even his breathing, wiping his eyes and managing a watery smile. "After the tour, I'm going to give it a shot."

"After the tour?" Luke asked, his heart sinking. 

"Yeah, we still have shows left."

"Oh." Luke's heart plummeted. "The tour- it's been cancelled."

Michael's heart monitor sped up and beeped out a loud warning.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tbh I don't know why you guys like my stories because I think they're pretty shit, haha. But since you seem to, enjoy this chapter.

"I'm not going home!" Michael yelled. Luke flinched, but Kayla merely raised one perfect brow and rested her hands on her hips. 

"Michael. You are _falling apart._ " 

"I'm fine!" Michael protested, but he looked quite the opposite. He looked ready to burst into tears, his face was gaunt, and he was extremely pale. He was also shivering, despite the thick sweater he'd been wearing since Luke first visited. 

" _Stop!_ " something in Kayla snapped, and suddenly her usually emotionless face was twisted with concern and fear. "You're _not. Fine_. No, shut the fuck up and listen to me!" Her voice cracked and her eyes were filling with tears. "None of us want to watch you kill yourself this way."

Michael flinched. "That-"

"I said _shut up_. You're going home! There is no press until you gain thirty pounds and are deemed mentally stable. There is no tour until you've gained fifty pounds and can admit that in this moment you were not fucking 'fine.'"

Michael blanched. "Fi-fifty _pounds?_ "

"Not an ounce less." Kayla angrily wiped at her tears and then glared at him. Luke shifted awkwardly and tried to appear smaller.

"This has to be illegal," Michael protested.

"Nope," Kayla said, sarcastically popping the 'p' and staring at him defiantly. "I've been poring over laws and rules and it's not. Besides, you can't tour without your band, and they've refused to tour until you've met the requirements."

A drop of blood appeared on Michael's lips and Luke realized he was biting them to keep the tears in his eyes from falling. His heart broke for him, but he knew he needed this.  

"Look," Kayla sighed. "Once you're out of the hospital, you have two choices. One, you can be institutionalized. Or two, find someone we both trust to live with you, see a therapist three times a week, and have check ups with me and Jake."

"Two," Michael mumbled. 

Kayla sighed. "It's risky. Are you going to actually _try?_ "

"Yeah, I guess I have no choice. Music is more important."

"Thank you," Kayla said. 

Michael scowled at her. "Who am I getting stuck with?"

"Calum is an option." 

"I'm not dragging him into this," Michael insisted. "He's just getting to know Ashton and he doesn't need the stress. I don't want any of my bandmates to be dragged into this at all."

"Can you think of anyone, then?" Kayla sighed exasperatedly. "If we can't find someone that I trust, you'll have to be institutionalized."

"I'm not going to a fucking institution!" Michael looked panicked. "I'd get worse- I'd be all alone-"

"I'll stay with him," Luke offered. Michael fell solent, and Kayla looked at Luke as if to size him up. Then she nodded approvingly.

"I'll clear it if you want to," she told Michael. Michael was just staring at Luke and Luke shifted uncomfortably. 

"I..." Michael's voice cracked. "You would do that...for me?" 

"We're friends," Luke told him. "We already released our debut ep, we don't have a tour set up right now, and we're nearly done with our first full length album. I can do anything work related from wherever you want to stay."

Michael seemed to be speechless for a moment, and the surprise and gratitude on his face hit Luke hard. He couldn't believe that someone would sacrifice anything for him. 

"I- thank you. I'd really appreciate it." 

Kayla smiled widely. "I'll clear it, then."

 

 

 

Calum frowned. "Don't get me wrong, I'm really grateful to you, but why not me?"

"He feels guilty," Luke told him. 

"I want to help somehow," Calum sighed. 

"Well, Kayla said he can have visitors a couple at a time and I'm sure he'd love to see you guys. I promise I'll let you know first if I need help. You can also look out for Ashton for me." 

Calum's cheeks were tinged red and he smiled slightly. "I can do that. You take care of Michael and I'll take care of Ash." 

"It's a deal," Luke smiled, and then he shook Calum's hand. 


	14. Chapter 14

Michael's house was surprisingly small for someone of his networth. It wasn't tiny, but it was no mansion. It looked rather old fashioned, actually, with the large windows and pale green paint, and Luke found that a bit endearing. 

Michael didn't say much as Luke hauled their suitcases up the sidewalk. He hadn't said much of anything since he got out of the hospital, but Luke saw him staring down at his body a lot, looking mournfully at his arms or stomach. He wasn't rude, he just seemed hollowed out, like he'd been worn down. What Luke liked the least was the fact that it felt like the real Michael. Like maybe that was who Mchael had become.

He was still so, so thin. Luke could hardly believe they'd let him out of the hospital, but he knew there was a diet plan in his bag, and groceries had already been sent to the house. He wasn't sure how he was going to get Michael to work with him, but he was determined to. Kayla and Jake were coming the next day and he would ask for any advice he could get. 

Michael unlocked the door with shaking hands and Luke watched him carefully step into the house. His legs shook too and Luke watched warily. He was almost afraid to turn and shut the door, in case Michael fell. 

Michael flipped a switch and the light turned on. Luke's first thought was that the whole place looked lonely. There weren't many decorations and the furniture was very simple. There was a nice wood floor but the walls and paneling were all white. 

Michael finally broke his silence. "There's only one guest room. The house is pretty small." 

"Great," Luke smiled. "Let's get our things upstairs, then?"

"Thank you," Michael said softly. His smile was too sad for Luke's liking, and he set down the bags to wrap Michael up in a hug. He felt tiny. 

"Hey, I'm here for you. Just let me know what you need." 

"This is good right now." Michael's voice was muffled in Luke's sweater and he was holding on tightly. "Sometimes I just need a hug."

"I can do that," Luke said, feeling almost relieved. "I'll hug you all day every day if it helps." 

Michael let out a weak giggle. 

 

 

 

"I think I would feel better about eating if we could go for a walk," Michael said. Luke furrowed his eyebrows.

"Let me ask Kayla. I'm just not sure how well you can do that right now."  

Michael sighed as Luke pulled out his phone and texted her, but he didn't fight him on it. Luke seemed to be the only person he didn't try to convince. 

"She said we can do a short walk but we have to take it slow."

Michael sighed again and glared down at his empty plate. It hadn't had much on it to begin with. 

"Okay. The neighborhood is pretty quiet." 

It was fairly cold outside and Luke made sure Michael was bundled up.

"This makes me look even fatter," Michael complained, scowling at the coat. It was muffled by the scarf Luke was wrapping around him but Luke understood anyway. 

"It does not. It's obviously just a thick jacket. I think you look cute."

Michael glared at him but his cheeks were dusted with pink and Luke grinned at him mischievously. When he deemed him suitably bundled up, he took his hand and pulled him out of the house.

"Let me know if you have any trouble," Luke told him sternly. Michael rolled his eyes. 

"Yes mum."

"Your face is your mum," Luke grumbled, and Michael let out a giggle.

"You're so stupid," he told him. 

"I'll be the biggest jackass in the world if it makes you laugh," Luke grinned. 

Michael tried to hide his smile in his scarf but Luke poked his dimple. 

"I saw that," he teased. 

"Don't touch my fat face," Michael joked, but Luke could tell he wasn't taking his forced weight gain very well, despite the fact that he was still severely underweight. 

He surged forward and scooped him up, forcing a shriek of laughter out of Michael. 

"Put me down!" 

"Never!" Luke twirled around and Michael grabbed onto him tightly. 

"Luke, if you slip, I swear- "

"I've got you," Luke said, suddenly serious. Michael's eyes were scared when they met Luke's but he knew it wasn't because of his current position. 

"Don't let go," Michael whispered. 

"Never," Luke promised. 

"I'm tired," Michael sighed. "Maybe- I don't think I can walk anymore today." 

"We're close to the house," Luke said. "I'll just carry you back."

"But-"

"Michael, I swear, if you say you're fat-" Luke cut himself off. "Here, how about you get on my back." He gently set Michael down and crouched slightly, helping him climb onto his back. He was struck once again by how light Michael felt, and he could hear his slight panting from walking even that short distance. 

Michael rested his chin on Luke's shoulder and remained silent for the short trip back to the house. He seemed sleepy, and Luke decided to get him to go to bed when they got inside. 

He stopped outside the door and carefully let Michael down. 

"See?" He said. "Light as a feather."

Michaels eyes glistened in the low light and he smiled slightly. "Whatever you say, Hemmings."

 

 

 

It wasn't until he was alone in the guest bedroom that Luke really thought about what he had gotten himself into. 

Despite the enormity of the situation, he was glad he was doing it. He hated seeing Michael in pain but it was the only way to get to the point where Michael wasn't always like that. 

It wasn't the real Michael, and he was determined to find out what was. 


	15. Chapter 15

The visit from Jake and Kayla had been positive. Michael's heartrate was less irregular and they were managing to get food into him, even if it was only because he was eager to make up the tour dates that they had had to cancel. 

Calum had come over the next day upon Michael's request. 

"I want to do some writing," Michael announced. 

Luke wasn't sure if he could. "I'll have to check with Kayla-"

"We don't have to do any recording or anything. I just want to work on some lyrics and simple melodies. Maybe some chord progressions." Michael crossed his arms defiantly and Luke decided to let him have it.

"I suppose that can't really be a set back. What do you think, Calum?"

Calum glanced between the two and then shrugged. "Yeah, I don't think it would hurt."

"I'll leave you to it, then," Luke told them before exiting. He wasn't quite sure what to do with himself, so he called Ashton. 

" _Luke!_ " Ashton seemed excited and Luke felt a bit bad for not calling earlier. " _What's up, mate?_ "

"Um..." Luke wandered through the hallway aimlessly. "Not much. Michael's writing with Calum right now so I'm at a bit of a loss as to what I should do with myself. What's new with you?" 

" _Well, 5STR seems to be stuck with us_."

"How so?" 

" _Well Jack and Alex are a thing now._ " Ashton giggled.

"...And?" Luke asked, unable to fight the smile on his face. 

" _Oh shush it, you_ ," Ashton griped, but he was still laughing and oh, how Luke had missed that sound. " _I, uh....actually, Calum asked me to move in with him._ " 

"What?" Luke paused. "Like, now?"

" _Yeah. I know it's kind of soon, but- well, it's Calum. It's different._ "

Luke's shoulders slumped a bit but his cheerful tone didn't falter. "Ashton, if you think you're ready then that's great! You guys are really good together. Do you think you're ready?"

Ashton sighed. " _I think- no, I know I am. But I also know you and I were planning on living together, and our friendship is still very important to me_."

Luke looked around at Michael's lonely, empty house and sighed to himself. "No, don't worry about me. This is awesome! With how well the tour has gone and all that I can definitely afford my own place. I'll rent out an apartment, see where all of this takes me. Who knows? Maybe I'll find my own Calum." 

Ashton was silent for a moment. Then, " _you'd really be fine with it?_ " 

"Of course. Calum is good for you and you're good for him. Why not let that progress? I'm so happy for you." 

" _You're the best, Luke. And you deserve the best."_ Ashton's tone lost a bit of its cheerfulness. " _So does Michael_."

"He's doing a bit better," Luke told him, wondering in the back of his mind why Ashton had randomly brought him into the conversation. 

" _Good. He's a great guy._ "

"I know," Luke said, still just as confused. 

" _Okay, I gotta go. But I might drop by when I'm-_ "

"Moved in at Calum's?" Luke teased. "Let me know if you need help moving your shit." 

" _Don't swear,_ " Ashton said with a giggle. " _Kidding. I'm fucking pumped_." 

"Go gossip to Alex, you dweeb. He'd love to scream over the phone with you." 

" _Love you_ ," Ashton sang. Luke rolled his eyes. 

"I love you too," he said before hanging up. 

He slid his phone into his pocket and pushed off of the wall he'd been leaning against. 

He looked around, noticing several rooms he hadn't explored yet. He could hear the faint murmur of Calum and Michael talking as he approached one of the doors, and he figured they'd be fine without him for a bit.

The room he entered was fairly large and seemed to be a storage room, judging by the piles of bins and random furniture. Something crunched under his shoe when he moved to shut the door behind him, and he looked down to see a broken picture frame surrounded by shattered glass. He crouched down and gingerly picked it up. 

The photo he pulled out was of a little boy with an older man. Luke recognized the boy as Michael, and the man's features were similar enough that he concluded he was his father. All he knew about Michael's father was that he had left when Michael was in his early teens.

There were two more smashed picture frames and random photos scattered around the floor.  There was one that appeared to be Michael with both of his parents, but  his father had been torn out of the picture, the two pieces lying on the floor. Luke suddenly realized how badly he was invading Michael's privacy, and he quickly set the photos back where they'd been laying.

When he really thought about it, he'd never spoken to Michael about his family. All he knew was what he'd learned from media and other fans- that Michael's dad had left him and his mother had grown apart from Michael, raising him for as long as necessary and then leaving him alone with his childhood home. 

Michael was still living alone in that house, and judging by several photos, he'd completely rearranged it, taking down photos and buying new furniture. 

Luke carefully avoided the glass pieces as he headed toward the door, and he noticed one last photo that stood out to him. 

It was much more recent, Luke  noted as he picked it up. It was a Polaroid of a slightly younger looking Michael with another boy. Michael was covering his face and laughing as the other boy took the selfie, his right arm holding the camera and his left around Michael. He seemed to be around Michael's height, with shaggy brown hair, tanned skin, and brown eyes. There was something unsettling about his smile, and Luke immediately dropped the photo and exited the room. He was in Michael's house to help him, not to dig into his past. 

But he couldn't help remembering the boy's unsettling smile and the date on the back of the photo- July 16th, 2014. Where was this boy who seemed to have been so important to Michael only a little more than a year ago?


	16. Chapter 16

Luke had forgotten about the photo entirely, until one night a week later when he found himself wide awake at precisely 2:42. It crossed his mind for no apparent reason, and he found himself lost in theories as to who the mysterious boy was. He didn't like him, there was no doubt about that, but he wasn't sure why. Was it jealousy? He couldn't argue the fact that he wanted to be jealous, that this boy had obviously meant the world to Michael and might still. But there was something odd about him even from an objective point of view.

Luke sighed and got up. No point in laying in bed and thinking about things that were none of his business. He pulled on some sweatpants before heading downstairs to the kitchen. After a moment of staring into the fridge aimlessly, he suddenly realized that he could hear talking in the next room and paused. It sounded like the television was on, so he closed the fridge and went to investigate.

Sure enough, Michael was seated on the couch in the living room, some late night show playing quietly on the tv. 

"Hey," Luke said softly. Michael glanced over at him sleepily, and Luke couldn't help but think he looked adorable. He was wearing a giant sweatshirt and sweatpants and was curled up on the couch, his sleeves pulled over his hands and his hair stuck up all over his head. 

Michael stared for a moment and Luke realized he was wearing nothing but sweatpants.

"I don't get cold easily," he said. 

"Oh." Michael's voice was sleep hoarse. 

"Couldn't sleep?"

"Never can." Michael shrugged. Luke frowned and moved to sit by him on the couch, picking up the blanket by him and throwing it over both of them. Michael curled into his side and Luke wrapped an arm around him. 

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Michael shrugged again. "I didn't want to bother you. You always seem to sleep well."

"I sleep plenty, I'm on break. I can afford to sleep a little less. What keeps you up?"

Michael's expression turned distant and he paused for a moment. "Memories," he said softly, seemingly lost in one already. "I...get stuck." 

"Living in the past?" Luke questioned.

"I suppose. But not in a good way- like my mind is trapped there."

Luke gently tapped Michael's temple. "Then get out of there. Look ahead." 

"There's nothing ahead," Michael whispered. "Nothing new, nothing good, just the same disconnection. I feel like I'm living two lives."

"Hey." Luke pulled Michael closer. "There's a lot ahead. You're still moving upward. You've made new friends, you're working on getting better, you're making more music."

"I'm not getting better." 

"But-"

"My mindset hasn't changed." Michael's eyes filled with tears and his lips trembled. "I'm stuck. I'm- I'm stuck."

He was shaking, and Luke turned to pull him even closer, resting his chin on his head and stroking the hair on the back of his neck. "Hey, hey, you're okay. I'm gonna pull you out, alright? I won't let you stay stuck. I don't know about your past, but it's over- it's done. You can move on."

"My head is a mess." Michael's arms wrapped around Luke's torso and held on for dear life. "I don't know how to fix it."

"You're not broken," Luke said firmly. "You're just lost. And that's why you get help."

"You help me," Michael said softly. 

Luke couldn't help the smile that spread over his face. "I do?" 

"More than anyone. I know I make things hard on you and I haven't made much progress, but-" 

"It's okay," Luke reassured him. "I'm so, so glad that I can help you."

"Thank you," Michael said. 

"Now you need some sleep. How would you sleep best?" 

"Can we just stay here?" Michael asked timidly. 

"Of course." Luke scooted to the end of the couch and helped Michael arrange the blanket over them as they layed down. It was a bit cramped and Luke's legs didn't nearly fit, but Michael let his head rest on top of Luke's shoulder and curled into his side. Luke thought it felt perfect. 

 

 

 

He woke up with Michael's head resting on his chest, his arm and leg thrown over Luke. Luke's arm was tingling where it was under Michael's body, and he tried to gently pull it out. Michael stirred and cracked one eye open. 

"Hey," he said, squinting at the light. His nose scrunched up adorably and Luke sighed. 

"Hey. We need breakfast."

"No, I'll just stay here." Michael closed his eyes.

"Michael." The other boy peeked at Luke. "You need to eat."

"Fine," Michael grumbled. "What am I having?"

"Let's see." Luke tried to remember. "Yogurt with some granola. And bacon if you'd like, I'm having some."

Michael looked like he was considering it and then shook his head. Luke slumped a bit in disappointment but wasn't surprised.

"Okay, I'm up." Michael sat up and rubbed his eyes. Luke got up and helped him to his feet, and he sleepily shuffled into the kitchen, almost walking into several things on his way.

"Cereal and bacon, all I ever need," Luke said cheerfully as he threw some bacon on the pan and pulled out two bowls. He tried not to think about how wonderfully domestic the whole situation felt. 

Michael slumped into a chair by the counter and watched him. "I hate mornings."

"Did you sleep any better?" Luke stopped running around the kitchen for a moment. 

"Yeah." Michael grinned sheepishly. "Thanks." 

"Good." Luke winked at him and then promptly stuck his head in the fridge to find the yogurt, missing the pink that colored Michael's face for a moment. 

After the bacon was finished, Luke sat by Michael and poured him some orange juice before digging into his own food. Michael ate much slower, often stopping to stare miserably at a spoonful and fight a short battle with himself. 

"Oh look," Luke said when they had both finished. "There's one piece of bacon left."

"Then eat it," Michael griped. 

"Oh I couldn't possibly," Luke said. "You don't even want to know how many pieces I ate already."

Michael rolled his eyes and couldn't stop the slight smile that played at the corners of his mouth. "You're ridiculous."

Luke picked up the pice with the tongs and dropped it on Michael's open hand. "Woops! Okay, now you _have_ to eat it." 

"I kind of miss bacon." 

"Then eat it."

Michael stared at it for a moment, but just when Luke thought he might actually eat it, he set it down on the plate and got up, leaving without a word. 

Luke just watched him go.


	17. Chapter 17

 "Michael, please, you've not eaten for long enough. You have to have _something!_ "

Luke was feeling a bit desperate. There was next to nothing on the plate and Michael still couldn't eat it. Wouldn't eat it. 

"I don't-" Michael choked, pushing the plate away. "I don't want it. I can't."

Luke sighed and rested his face in his hands for a moment. "Michael, it's food. You are allowed to eat. In fact, _all_ people _need_ to eat, you more than anyone!" 

"I can't control anything, I need this, Luke." Michael's eyes filled with tears that he stubbornly tried to keep from falling. He looked ready to have a breakdown, and Luke was at a total loss as to what to so. How the hell was he supposed to fix this?

"You're not controlling this," he said finally. "It's controlling you."

Michael's head whipped around to stare at Luke wide eyed. The utter surprise on his face told Luke that he'd never considered that before. Luke decided that Michael hadn't really taken anything into consideration. After all, mental illnesses were rarely, if ever, logical. "I never thought- but-"

"Please, Michael-"

"This is stupid," Michael blurted out. "It shouldn't be hard, it shouldn't- _why am I so fucked up?_ "

Luke stared at him for a moment, trying to fathom the meaning behind Michael's words. How could he ever believe that? "Michael- oh my god, _Michael_ , you're _not_ fucked up. Hey, look at me." He gently reached over and tilted Michael's face toward him, fingertips brushing under his jaw. "Sometimes our heads get too small for all of our thoughts. Sometimes we get buried and we can't control it, and we feel like maybe we're just stupid, or- or pathetic, but we're _not_. We can't help thinking too much, we can't help chemical imbalances or some difficult situations, we can't help being human. But we _can_ help each other. So please, let me help you."

Tears were falling freely down Michael's face as he looked at Luke, and Luke's heart felt like it had snapped in half. The depth of the pain that Michael felt on a daily basis was something that Luke could barely fathom. The struggle- he didn't know how Michael could do it. But he knew that Michael had to, that he was too important for Luke to just give up on. 

"Besides- besides music and the band, I think maybe you're the best thing that's ever happened to me..." Michael said softly. 

"You know what?" Luke said, unable to help but smile through his own tears. "Same to you."

 

 

 

There were ups and downs. Every time things looked like they were getting better, something happened that made Luke realize that Michael was still very sick, still physically weak and mentally in a bad place. After a whole week went well, Kayla started warning Luke that something bad would probably happen soon.

"Things like this don't just disappear so easily," she told him. "Sometimes people get addicted to having a problem because they don't know how to be happy- or don't think they deserve it. The idea of getting better will probably scare him for a while." And as optimistic as Luke wanted to be, he could tell that she was right.  

It all crumbled when Michael announced one day that he was going to make some tea. They were watching a movie and Luke just let him go, too comfortable to offer his assistance. What could happen from Michael making a pot of tea?

It was taking an unusual amount of time for him to get the water going and come back, however, so Luke got up to check on him. When he reached the doorway of the kitchen, he froze in horror.

Michael was staring down at the open flame of the gas burner, his sleeve rolled up and his wrist dangerously close to the flame. The kettle was forgotten on the counter by him and he slowly lowered his wrist, eyes vacant. Luke unfroze and lunged at him.

"Michael!" 

He pushed him away from the burner, but almost let go when Michael unexpectedly struggled against him. 

"Let go of me!"

"What the fuck were you doing?" Luke demanded, reaching back to flip the burner off. Michael's face hardened as he watched him do it and he tried to move around him, but Luke trapped him against the counter. 

"Trying to get the water going." Michael's voice was toneless, and it sent a chill down Luke's spine, but he refused to back down. 

"Bullshit. You had your wrist almost inside that flame! Did you get burnt?"

Michael drew his mouth into a thin line and said nothing. His expression was cold and hard but his eyes were crying at Luke to do something, so he reached down for Michael's wrist.

Michael flinched when he grabbed it, and sure enough, he'd burnt the top layer of skin. It wasn't a bad burn, but what made Luke's heart come to a complete stop were the layers and layers of white scars and newer cuts that twisted all around Michael's arm and disappeared up into his sleeve. But even worse than what was obviously the result of months or even years of self harming were the thick, puckered looking lines slashed down the length of Michael's arm, as if his arm had been slit from elbow to wrist. Luke could only start in horror. 

Then Michael's thick wall crumbled and he pulled his arm from Luke's limp grasp to cover his face as tears began streaming down his cheeks. He couldn't get around Luke, so he curled into himself and tried to shield himself from Luke's shocked and horrified expression. 

"Mi- Michael?" 

Michael's body was shaking and Luke did the only thing he could think of- he pulled the other boy in close and curled his arms tightly around him. He was terrified, but Michael obviously was too and Luke wanted to be strong for the both of them. 

He stroked his fingers through Michael's bright red hair and rocked him gently, whispering to him that it was alright, that he didn't have to talk about anything he didn't want to but that he also didn't have to hide anything. 

"Do you want to go back and sit on the couch?" Luke asked when Michael had calmed down a bit. Michael nodded against Luke's shoulder, so Luke led him to the couch and let Michael curl up into his side.

Luke's thoughts were racing a mile a minute. How long had Michael been self harming? Had he really tried to...kill himself? Just how bad was it?

Michael cried himself to sleep, leaving Luke to sit and think about what he'd seen. What the hell had happened to him?

 

 

When Luke woke up, the sun was just starting to shine in the windows, and he and Michael had somehow ended up tangled together lengthwise on the couch. Michael had a tight grip on him and was just starting to stir a bit. 

"Hey," Luke said softly. Michael's eyes were sad and still red rimmed when he finally opened them to look at Luke. Luke thought that he still looked beautiful.

"Are you going to leave?" Michael rasped. Luke stared at him in confusion. 

"Why would I leave?" 

"Because I'm a freak." Michael ducked his head in shame. "I'm disgusting."

Luke was dumbstruck. "Michael- no, Michael, I'm not going to leave. And you're not a freak, you're not crazy or disgusting, you're- Michael, you're  _amazing._ I mean that, you're amazing. I don't know what's happened to you or what you've tone through, but  _you're not a freak._ "  

Michael was silent for a moment and Luke realized that he was crying again. 

"Thank you," he said softly. 

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Later. I'll tell you later. I just want to sleep right now."

"That's okay," Luke said gently. "I've got you."

Michael smiled up at him weakly and then closed his eyes, curling closer into Luke's arms and resting his head on his chest.

Luke thought that maybe he loved him a little more every day, despite how much it was going to hurt him. 


	18. Chapter 18

Luke was alone on the couch when he woke up again, and for a moment, panic took him in a cold grip. 

"Michael?" He called, pulling himself up and scanning the area. There was no sight of him. 

Luke shot to his feet, stumbling over the blanket and running through the kitchen to check the bathroom. 

"Michael!"

"I'm in here." 

His voice was soft and Luke barely caught what he said, but he instantly relaxed and followed the sound down the hallway to the storage room. 

Michael was sitting on the floor, an open bin by him and a stack of photos in his hands. There were more scattered around the room, but he was staring blankly at the one Luke had seen of him with the mysterious boy. Luke had a bad feeling about the whole scene before him.

"What are you looking at?" He asked, going over to sit by Michael. Michael took a moment too long to react and even then only turned to look at Luke with a confused expression.

"What?"

"What are you doing?"

"Oh." Michael looked down at the pictures in his hands and suddenly dropped them as if he'd been burnt. "Nothing! I-"

He tried to stand, but Luke caught his wrist in a gentle but firm grip. 

"Michael," he said softly. "I'm here. Tell me about it."

For a moment Michael looked as if he wanted to tear his arm from Luke's grasp and run far, far away, but as he met Luke's eyes his expression softened and he gave in. He sat back down and let Luke pull him in under his arm. 

His hands trembled as he picked up the photos again. 

"Tell me about you," Luke said. "I want to know you better."

He reached out and gently took Michael's arm, and when he did not protest, Luke rolled up his sleeve. He ran his fingers over the cuts lightly, tracing from his elbow to his wrist. 

"There isn't much good." Michael's voice cracked as he watched Luke. "And very few people know much of it."

"I don't want to push you, but nothing you tell me will change how I see you."

"It-" Michael took a shuddering breath. "It has to change how you see me. I just hope it doesn't change for the worst."

"Try me," Luke said. "I'm still here and I'll still be here after."

 "Some of it you probably know already," Michael started. "My dad left when I was little. He and my mom argued about me all the time, and- she blamed me.

"I grew up almost completely alone because she couldn't stand to be around me. It was my fault that he left and she didn't like looking at me. I never celebrated my birthday. She would make me dinner and then go eat alone in her room. She never said that she loved me even once, and I- well, Kayla said I was touch starved."

"Touch starved?" Luke questioned, unfamiliar with the term.

Michael looked embarrassed. "It means that I was obsessed with people touching me because no one ever did. My mom never hugged me. She never held my hand when we crossed the street or even handed me things. So I craved physical affection of any kind, but I never got it." 

Luke couldn't even describe how he felt. He could only imagine how horrible it must have been to be raised in such an emotionally detached way, to never understand how warm and affectionate a mother should be. It was no wonder that Michael had no love for himself. 

"Michael..."

"No, it's okay." Michael smiled but his lips were trembling and his eyes were glassy. "She took care of me."

"When you sign up to be a parent, you don't just barely meet the requirements," Luke insisted, a surge of anger hitting him. "You don't just feed, clothe, and ensure education. You make memories, you show affection, you give advice, you love your child. She was a shit mom."

"Yeah, I guess she sort of was." Michael shrugged. "I haven't heard from her since I turned eighteen."

Luke couldn't decide if that was good or bad. "Well you've got better people in your life."

"I do." Michael smiled a little wider and Luke counted it as a small victory. "Anyway, so I...I grew up pretty quickly. I failed some classes because I struggled with homework and my mom wouldn't help me. I learned to work on my own. I didn't know how to interact with other people, and it kept me from asking for help."

He flipped through a few of the pictures until he found one of a woman who seemed to be in her early thirties. "That's my mom. I took this picture when I was little because she laughed at something and I wanted to remember it. She yelled at me for taking it, though."

"Did you take all of these?" Luke asked, looking over at the stacks of photos in the bin.

"Most of them." Michael reached over and picked up a new stack. He handed one to Luke of two young boys, and Luke recognized them as Michael and Calum. "I met Calum in my second week of highschool. He was sort of popular because he would talk to anyone and everyone. I still don't know why, but he decided that he was going to be my friend. He'd drag me out of the house in the middle of the night to go get milkshakes or invite me over to his house and show me how to play guitar. I had no idea how to handle it."

Michael smiled down at a photo of him and Calum laughing and then handed it to Luke. "His mom took some of these. She sort of took me in. She'd bake cookies when I came over and help me and Calum with our homework together. My mom liked it when I left the house, so I never had to worry about a curfew."

"I need to buy Calum something ridiculous as a thank you," Luke said. Michael giggled but then his expression turned serious. 

"Despite things looking up a bit, I developed severe depression and anxiety. Calum knew to an extent but I never wanted to ruin our fun together by telling him all of the thoughts in my head. You know about how we formed the band and all that, but once we hit it big, I freaked out. My mom was gone, I didn't know Jack and Rian as well as Calum did, and I was expected to be a smooth, attractive frontman to an ever growing band."

Luke remembered the early interviews, back when he had time to be a fan. Michael had played the part well.

"I fought to cover up anxiety attacks, bad bouts of worsening depression, and an eating disorder caused by many comments I heard when the band first started taking off. I learned to lie like hell and even managed to hide it from Calum, who knew me better than anyone. Then I met Jeremy."

Luke clenched his jaw. "The one in the photos?"

"Yeah." Michael pulled out the first one again and stared at it for a moment. "He had some loose connection and we met at a party. He- he made me feel something new, you know? He was so spontaneous and passionate. But it went downhill fast. First he started yelling at me for being clingy. I constantly wanted physical contact and he hated that. I lost track of where things were going until one day I realized how bad it had gotten. He was encouraging my eating disorder, he destroyed the remainder of my self esteem, he started using my money. He hit me on a few occasions."

Luke's blood ran cold. "He  _what?_ " 

"He- he'd get really angry about something and hit me. Then one time we had a break and he hit me so hard he knocked me unconscious. When I woke up, he was gone." 

Cold rage spread through Luke's entire body. "The bastard beat you up and then  _left?_ " 

"I felt like a fool," Michael laughed bitterly. "It suddenly hit me that he'd never actually loved me. I'd kept him a secret from everyone I knew and covered for him. I'd let him take over my whole life."

"No, it wasn't stupid. You weren't used to people loving you or even pretending to. You just- god, Michael, there are people in your life now that really and truly love you." 

Luke was afraid to reveal too much in such an overwhelming moment, but he felt an indescribable desperation to show Michael that he was loved. 

"I know. Or I'm trying to. But in that moment I felt as if everyone had abandoned me, as if almost no one cared and anyone who did shouldn't. I was in so much pain physically, mentally, emotionally...so that's when I did it."

He looked down at the wrist that Luke still had in a tender hold, and the expression on his face was indescribable. 

"Did what?" Luke asked hoarsely. He was afraid of the answer, more afraid than he'd ever been of anything. 

"I tried to kill myself. I slit my wrists and laid there on the floor in my own kitchen, bleeding out..."

He trailed off and got lost in his head. Luke's heart was beating harshly and he felt like throwing up. The boy beside him, the beautiful, talented, amazing boy beside him, had come so close to taking his own life. 

"What happened?" He asked finally.

"I'd forgotten that one of our songwriters was going to stop by and work on some music with me. By some stroke of luck-" he laughed bitterly. "He arrived minutes later. And I was right there in the kitchen. That's why I disappeared for a week. Not even my band mates know about it. I was in the hospital for a while and then Kayla was assigned to go on tour with us. And you know the rest."

Luke was speechless. Michael was absolutely bared, he had told Luke things that even his oldest and closest friend did not know. 

"I...thank you for telling me. I care about you, Michael, a lot of people do. You're so important."

Michael looked at him and his eyes were full of tears. "I feel that way sometimes, but only with you," he whispered.

Luke was afraid to look at him for fear of showing too much on his face, but he pulled him in close and held him tightly. 

"I'll never let you go, Michael Clifford."


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Michael's HAIR OMFG

"So I just realized something," Michael said after a difficult lunch. 

"What's that?" Luke asked. He put away the last dish and turned to face Michael, who was drying his hands. 

"Christmas is in two weeks and you should go visit your family."

"...oh." Luke hadn't even considered that. "You know to be honest, that thought hadn't occurred to me. I probably would have spent Christmas alone, actually, because my family is still in Australia and we were planning on still being on tou-"

He didn't stop himself fast enough and Michael turned away quickly, busying himself with something on the counter. Luke sighed.

"Well, is there anyone you wanted to spend Christmas with?"

"No." Michael's shoulders slumped. "I don't celebrate Christmas."

"Don't celebrate Christmas?" 

"My mom would go to Christmas parties and all that, but she'd leave me at home." 

Luke went over to Michael and slid his arms around his waist, resting his chin on his shoulder. Michael just let him. 

"You know, I think you and I should celebrate it. That way we can make it pretty small."

"I don't know..." Michael sighed. "I've never really- I don't really know how to."

"Well, first off we should get a tree," Luke said. "If you want to. We could get a small one and just a few lights and ornaments."

"You're not going to let this go, are you," Michael said, but he was smiling, so Luke ran with it.

"Hell no," he said teasingly. "Let's go tomorrow after Kayla visits."

Michael rolled his eyes. "Fine. Now let's go watch some shit tv."

 

 

 

Kayla stared at Luke open mouthed, and for a moment he wondered if he should feel accomplished at that. 

"So let me get this straight. Michael has not only told you his entire life story that he's never told anyone ever, he's agreed to celebrate a holiday with you that reminds him of his terrible childhood,  _and_ he's been eating better?"

"Um..." Luke shifted nervously. "Yeah?"

"What the fuck?"

Coming from Kayla, it was the equivalent of her screaming in shock, and Luke startled. 

"I think he's just getting more comfortable," he tried. Kayla ran a hand over her face.

"Fuck. I might have fucked up. Fuck." She suddenly looked stressed out, and Luke wasn't sure what to do with himself. He was glad she wasn't actually yelling, however, as Michael was in the next room with Jake.

"What happened? What did you do?" He tried not to freak out, but it was a little hard. Kayla was usually so unmovable. 

"I...this is about to get awkward," she said. 

"Um. Okay?"

"How do you feel about Michael?"

"...oh." Luke swallowed nervously. "Um, I- well, I- he's been one of my heroes since his band started, and-"

Kayla sighed. "Get to the point."

"I care about him. A lot."

It seemed like the best thing to say. He didn't shrink under Kayla's scrutinizing gaze, and after a moment she seemed to find whatever she had been looking for. 

"Just don't treat him like the last one did," she said before sweeping out, looking quite satisfied with herself. Luke could only watch her go helplessly. 

Just then Michael came out of the next room looking miserable. Jake followed him out looking concerned and Luke saw Kayla in the doorway. Michael wordlessly went over to Luke and Luke opened his arms without a second thought.  Kayla raised an eyebrow. 

"Hey, what's wrong?" He asked Michael, feeling awkward with Jake and Kayla watching. 

"Gained weight."

It was muffled into Luke's chest but he caught it nonetheless. 

"Michael..."

Jake and Kayla motioned to him that they were leaving, and he nodded before guiding Michael to the couch and sitting down with him. The door shut loudly but Michael didn't move. 

"You know," Luke started again, "that's a good thing. I'm not expecting you to understand that right away, but it is. And I'm really really happy about it."

"Really?" Michael seemed genuinely surprised at that. 

"Yeah, it's helping you get healthier, and that's really good. You're doing a fantastic job, Mikey."

"'Mikey?'" Michael sounded amused and Luke flushed red. 

"Sorry, it's sort of just...slipped out."

"I don't mind." Then he felt Michael grin. "...Lukey."

"Oh my god that is the worst," Luke whined, unable to keep from smiling when Michael giggled. 

"It's not that bad..." 

"It's that bad," Luke assured him.

"Well, I'll have to keep using it then," Michael grinned. 

"Oh god." Luke rolled his eyes. 

 

 

 

"Okay okay okay," Luke chattered excitedly, "so first we have to get the star on top-"

"I know what a Christmas tree looks like," Michael said dryly.

"Oh right." Luke smiled sheepishly. "Do you have a ladder?"

Michael stared at him blankly. 

"Do the math, Hemmings."

"What?"

"The tree is six feet tall. We are both over six feet tall plus arm length."

"...oh." Luke measured his arm length and Michael rolled his eyes. Luke placed the star on top of the tree and then pulled out the lights, hunting around for an outlet. 

"Right there," Michael pointed one out and Luke plugged the first set in before wrapping it around the tree. Michael giggled when Luke got stuck trying to squeeze behind the tree. 

"Are you going to help or just sit and laugh?" Luke asked good-naturedly. 

"I'm coming." Michael stood on the other side and Luke passed the string to him so they could wrap it around the tree. 

It took them much too long to set the whole thing up, mainly because Luke's impromptu rendition of "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree" sent Michael into fits of uncontrollable laughter and resulted in Luke chasing him around with a piece of the tree that fell off because he complained that the needles were sharp. When it was finally done, Luke insisted on making them both hot chocolate with candy canes and couldn't stop smiling when Michael drank his without a second thought. 

"You know what this calls for," Luke said with a sly grin. 

"Oh no." Michael giggled again. "No, Christmas music is the worst-"

"Too late!" Luke crowed triumphantly as "All I Want For Christmas Is You" blared through the speakers.

Michael rolled his eyes. Luke just laughed and then started swaying, snapping his fingers and grinning at Michael. "Come on."

"No!" Michael laughed. 

"Come on!" Luke did a ridiculous twirl toward Michael and grabbed his hand. 

"No-" Michael cut himself off as Luke yanked him forward and twirled him around by his hand. "Luke!"

"Aw shit," Luke stumbled over Michael's feet and they both tripped, but Luke wouldn't let him go and Michael gave up.

"This is ridiculous," he insisted, but he was smiling wider than Luke had seen yet and he couldn't help the laughter bubbling up when Luke twirled him again, deliberately singing off key. Luke grinned when Michael joined in, singing along loudly.

It was a pretty ridiculous sight, and it got worse when Luke twirled them past the counter and picked up the Santa hat he'd bought, placing it on Michael's head and adjusting it before putting another on his own head. Michael burst into a fit of giggles and let Luke lead him into the living room to dance by the tree. 

They were shouting along to the music and didn't notice Calum until Michael did a ridiculous twirl and almost smashed Luke into him. He was just watching them, and while Michael greeted him breathless with laughter, Luke noticed Calum's eyes were shiny with tears. He was smiling, though, and Michael didn't seem to notice.

"Hey!" Michael greeted Calum brightly, the tassel on his hat bobbing around. "Dance with me!" 

"Hey," Calum laughed as Michael grabbed his hands, blinking hard and mouthing a 'thank you' to Luke that Luke knew he meant with all his heart. 

And as he watched Michael twirling around with Calum and singing along with the music, he realized that he had never felt happier. 


	20. Chapter 20

Logic told Luke that two steps forward, one step back is still progress, but he couldn't help but be discouraged every time Michael retreated back into his shell again. He knew that the real victim at the moment was Michael, but he himself felt a large portion of the weight on his own shoulders and found himself stressing about every little thing. 

It helped when he started avoiding social media. He wasn't sure what Michael's manager had told the public, but people didn't seem to be happy with the explanation they got, so the cover up must have been pretty weak. 

Photos of Jack and Alex drunkenly making out in a bar took some of the heat off for a bit and they all had a good laugh over it once the drama had passed, but then it was back to 'where's Michael?' and Luke couldn't say he blamed the fans. Michael had seemingly dropped off the face of the earth, and sightings of Luke himself were rare.

On one rare occasion, he talked Michael into leaving the house with promises of video games later, and dragged him to the nearest grocery store.

"Who even likes shopping?" He heard Michael grumbling behind him as he dragged him through the sliding doors. 

"No one, but we have to do it and you need to get out of the house anyway," Luke said, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze. Michael smiled a little at that and stopped grumbling, so Luke counted it as a small victory. 

He couldn't ignore how domesticated it felt when they argued over cereal before realizing they could afford several kinds. Michael's fond eye rolls when Luke poked him and small smiles when they bumped shoulders were starting to making Luke wonder. Maybe Michael felt the same- maybe, just maybe, Michael was falling for him too.

"Let's have our band mates over for dinner sometime soon," Michael suggested out of the blue. 

Luke turned away from the yogurt and gave him a searching look. "Are you up for that?"

"Sure." Michael tried to shrug it off nonchalantly. Luke could tell it was sort of a big deal to him, but he also felt that it was important to him as well. 

"Okay, then." Luke smiled. "Let's figure out what to make, and then we can phone them and see when they're all available."

Michael's responding smile was genuine, and Luke couldn't help but smile back.

 

 

 

"Michael, please let me in."

Luke leaned his forehead against the door and sighed. Michael hadn't run the sink for some reason, and Luke could hear him vomiting through the door. 

A choked sob sounded and Luke's heart broke. 

"It wasn't on pur-purpose," he heard Michael cough. Calum poked his head around the corner, looking upset. Luke shook his head at him.

"It's okay, sweetheart, just let me in."

There was some shuffling and a clang from the toilet before the lock turned. 

"I'll let you know," Luke whispered to Calum, who nodded and left. Then he entered the bathroom. 

Undurprisingly, it smelled like vomit, but the first thing he did was wrap Michael up in a hug. He looked drained, his already pale complexion an even starker white, and there were tear tracks on his face.

"It wasn't on purpose," Michael repeated. "I got overwhelmed and it wouldn't stay down and everyone was just watching me eat, and-"

"Mikey, it's okay. I believe you."

Michael sagged with relief and Luke held him up.

"I don't think they were trying to watch you eat. I think they're just happy to see you again after so long. It's been a few months now," Luke said gently. "The attention is sort of going to be on you because they miss you."

"I'm sorry," Michael said in a small voice. 

"Don't apologize," Luke told him. "You have nothing to be sorry for. Now let's get you cleaned up." 

He smiled at him and Michael smiled back hesitantly before looking down at his shirt in embarrassment. There was some vomit on the sleeve where he'd wiped his face. 

Luke flushed the toilet and then dug around the cabinets for the toothbrush they kept in the downstairs bathroom. "Wash your mouth out with water and then we'll get you another shirt, okay? Do you think maybe you could manage a little more food if I distract everyone?"

Michael flushed and took the toothbrush. "Maybe..." He mumbled. 

"Michael."

Michael kept his eyes on the floor. "Yes?" 

"Michael, look at me." Luke touched his jaw gently and leaned down to meet his eyes. "You don't need to be sorry or embarrassed or ashamed. You're doing really well and I'm really proud of you."

"Really?"

"Really." Luke smiled brightly at him. "So go wash your mouth and I'll get you a shirt."

He stopped by the dining room and assured everyone that Michael was fine and would be back shortly, and gave them a little warning to be sure not to watch him for too long. Then he headed upstairs and found Michael a shirt.

Once they were again seated at the table, Calum quickly started up with a story about him and Ashton trying to move Ashton's things into Calum's apartment that got everyone's attention away. 

Luke found himself enjoying the time and caught Michael laughing during several different stories, and he had to stop and wonder at how far they'd come. Michael finished nearly everything left on the plate and then let his hand dangle and bump Luke's until their little fingers hooked around each other, hanging comfortably between them. Every touch lit Luke up and he was aware of any part of him that was near Michael. 

That's when he realized he was head over heels in love with him. 

 

 

 

 

He entertained the idea of telling him, but the consequences of Michael not feeling the same...

He wasn't arrogant, but he knew he was a large part of Michael's life at that point. Michael had once stated that though he loved all of his band mates and even Luke's, he was much closer to Calum and Luke than anyone else in his life. Luke couldn't risk that, couldn't risk the friendship that was currently helping Michael so much. 

But then again, what if after all of this, Michael didn't need him anymore? What if he was just there to help him get better? That doubt stung and he couldn't stop thinking about it.

It started to weigh on him. Seeing the tears hurt, but hearing the laughter hurt more. Finding Michael inside of that shell made him fall harder but feel further and further away. 

Michael's progress gained momentum and Luke felt torn. On the one hand, he wanted Michael as happy as he could possibly be, but he didn't want to lose him either. It was a horrible, horrible thing to think and he hated himself for it, but he couldn't help it. 

Michael gained weight and didn't freak out nearly as badly this time around. He visited Calum and Ashton on his own to try leaving without Luke. The insomnia got better, and the late night talks dwindled as he began leaving earlier to get sleep. It was bittersweet, but Luke forced himself to swallow the bitter and wear the sweet, ever encouraging and guiding Michael until he felt like maybe Michael was walking on his own again. Like maybe he was going to have to let go.

Ashton called him after he dropped by one day. Luke had been especially quiet as Michael got excited and told Ashton some stories, and he knew Ashton wasn't fooled. 

"Hey Ash," he answered hesitantly. 

"Hey, how are you holding up?"

Luke sighed and ran a hand over his face. Michael was in his room with Jake and Kayla for a check up, and Luke caved.

"I- fuck, I'm in love with him, Ash."

He heard a sigh over the phone. "Oh, Luke..."

"I know."

"I knew there was something there, but I didn't know how much. What about it has got you down?" 

"Um...all of it? I feel- god, I'm such a bad person, Ash, but the better he gets, the more I feel like he's going to slip away. Like I'm just here to help and then I'll be moving out and he'll be moving on."

"Has he mentioned you moving out?"

"No, not yet at least, but I'm sure he will. He's doing really well though, Ash, I'm so proud of him."

"Look, Luke, don't assume he doesn't feel the same way."

"What?"

"You know him better than anyone else, sure, but every time I see you together, he's...different. You're extremely important to him, I can tell that much. And if it's not romantically, you're still going to be important in other ways."

"Maybe..." Luke sighed. "What should I do?"

"Just- think about telling him. I believe that you matter enough that even if he doesn't feel the same, he won't push you away either."

"I don't know." Luke glanced over in the direction of Michael's room. "I-I'll think about it."

"Good. Now I've got to go make sure Calum isn't going to lose a finger or burn himself making dinner. I'll come see you again soon, okay?"

"Okay. I love you."

"Love you too," Ashton said before hanging up. 

Luke ran a hand through his hair and sighed again. 

This wasn't at all where he'd imagined being a musician would get him. 


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this has taken so long. I just found out I've been being played for three months by a guy I fell for harder than I've ever fallen for someone and it's dropped me back into a bad place. Well, worse place.

"So I had a talk with Kayla," Luke started. Michael looked at him expectantly and Luke had to stop and swallow back the lump in his throat. It wouldn't move, though, and his voice caught.

"Anything new?" Michael asked after a moment. 

Luke cleared his throat. "Yeah, she, uh...you've been cleared. You're all set to go back on tour, do press, live alone, all of that."

Michael's face had brightened considerably but suddenly it fell. "Oh. I, uh...that's great." 

"So I put in an app for an apartment and I can get out of your hair pretty soon." Luke managed a weak smile. "I mean you'll still require check ups and all that but. Yeah." He shifted awkwardly. 

"Oh," was all Michael had to say. "I think I'm going to go to my room."

He got up without another word and left, and Luke watched him at a loss. He heard the familiar creak of the stairs and the whine of the hinges- Michael's door was always especially loud- and realized that this place was home. He knew where the stupid lump was in the couch. He knew to skip the bottom stair because it creaked worse than the rest. He knew every picture and wallpaper pattern and the sound and smell of the place. And he knew without a doubt that he was going to leave his heart behind when he walked out the front door for the last time. 

Tour life had taught him to live simply, and it didn't take him long to pack. Once he made the decision to leave, he'd begged Ash to let him crash at his place. If he had to tear his heart out it was better sooner than later, and he was determined to be gone by dinner. 

He could barely look at Michael's face when he saw Luke's bags all ready. 

"I- I didn't know you were leaving quite so soon," Michael choked out. Luke avoided his eyes.

"I'm gonna stay with Ash for a few days. Haven't seen him in a bit."

"Oh."

It hadn't been awkward between them since- since ever. They had always flowed well together. Luke hated knowing this was his last memory of Michael here, but he didn't think he could stay so close, didn't think he could find a medium between knowing every corner of his heart and soul and being strangers. He didn't know what to do.

"I guess I'll see you around then?" Luke tried to manage a smile but it felt more like a grimace. "I loved staying here. It was- it was great."

Michael blinked rapidly and nodded. "Yeah, it's gonna be weird without you here."

"You'll have to let me know what your plans are with touring and all that," Luke said lamely. Michael's nod was a bit stiff. 

"Yeah, of course. I'll keep in touch."

Luke didn't trust his voice anymore as he picked up his bags, so he gave Michael a jerky nod and another weak smile. Michael's face fell as Luke turned away and headed out the door. 

The screen door banged behind him as if to finalize his steps down the sidewalk. The wind stung and blew away tears he hadn't been aware of, and he breathed deeply and paused for a moment at the gate. 

The screen door slammed loudly again. "Luke!"

Luke whirled around to see Michael come flying toward him and then skid to a stop right in front of him. 

"Michael?"

"You can't- you can't just go!" Michael said breathlessly. "Months of constantly being around each other and just- I bared my  _soul_ to you. I can't- don't go."

"What?" Luke felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that everyone gave up on me, that I thought I was worthless and...beyond repair. But you helped me find the part of me that was still alive and you made it grow and become something- something that meant anything at all and-" Michael choked on a sob and his shoulders shook. "Luke, I-" his voice faded to a whisper. "I need you."

Luke stared at him in dumbfounded amazement that he must have taken as rejection, because his shoulders visibly dropped and he bowed his head. 

"I'm sorry if I said too much," he said finally. "Now you really know everything about me that means anything."

He gave Luke a small, sad smile before turning away. The motion seemed to free Luke and he jumped into action, dropping his bags and grabbing Michael by the arm, pulling him in and crashing their lips together. His arm curled tightly enough around Michael's back to bend him backward, and he curled his fingers into Luke's coat lapels for support, kissing him back eagerly. 

Someone clapped in the background and Luke withdrew quickly to see a few people across the street watching them. Several had their phones out but it was too late to fix it and Luke didn't care anymore. Michael was smiling up at him, looking slightly dazed but happy. Luke couldn't help but smile back. 

"Move in with me?" Michael asked softly. 

"Yeah- yeah, I'd love to." Luke's grin spread and he couldn't help but beam at Michael. 

"Nothing would make me happier," Michael said, but it still sounded tentative. 

"Hey, I'm in love with you," Luke said, still with that stupid grin on his face, and Michael laughed, an open and genuine laugh that lit Luke up like that stupid Christmas tree they'd had together. 

"I'm in love with you too," Michael said, and Luke kicked one of his bags out of the way and swept him up. 

Michael shrieked. "Hey! Put me down."

"Nope," Luke said, heading toward the house.

"What about your bags?"

"I'll get them in a minute."

"But I'm too heavy-"

"Hey." Luke smiled softly at him. "See? Light as a feather."


	22. Chapter 22

Luke could hardly bear to look at Calum's horrified expression as his eyes immediately welled up with tears. 

"You- what?" He rasped out. Michael avoided his eyes.

"Last year," he mumbled. "That week I disappeared, I- I was in the hospital."

"You almost died and you  _didn't even tell me?_ " 

Michael flinched and Calum visibly took a deep breath to calm himself.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking and I was embarrassed and I already had to do therapy with Kayla...I didn't want to admit just how bad things were."

"Hey, it's okay," Calum said softly. "I shouldn't blame you or be upset. It's just because I care."

"I know. And even when I wasn't communicating, I always knew that you cared and that helped me get through it," Michael told him. "And I'm doing much better now."

Calum's eyes flicked over to Luke and then back to Michael. "I know," he said with small smile. "You seem so much better. We're all proud of you."

"We have two other announcements," Luke broke in. "Michael's been cleared to do press and start recording."

"That's great!" Calum beamed and threw his arms around Michael. "I've got some new stuff to show you and it's the shit, man, this is gonna be our best album yet, I can feel it-"

"Luke and I are dating," Michael blurted out.

Calum blinked. "Oh, I know. I saw the videos. Anyway, Ash helped me with some lyrics that I was thinking would be great for a collaboration.  I could just hear you and Michael doing it together. You guys sing well together..."

He rambled on and Luke smiled at Michael over the top of Calum's head. Michael's returning smile was blinding. 

 

 

 

_Ten months later-_

 

"How're you feeling tonight?" Michael bellowed at the crowd. The returning cheer was deafening. Luke caught himself smiling proudly at his boyfriend from backstage and Alex punched his shoulder lightly with a knowing grin. 

"Don't look too happy, Hemmings."

"Whatever," Luke laughed. "Like Jack hasn't been trying to sexually frustrate you for the past half hour."

"He's been trying to since the day we met," Alex snorted, and Luke just shrugged.

Onstage everything fell quiet as Michael settled in to talk to the crowd. It was the first show of the tour and so far no real explanation for the last tour being cut short had been given, so Michael pulled up a stool and settled in to explain it in his open, honest way. 

"So our fans are smart people, am I right?" The crowd roared and Michael smirked until it died down. "Now I know none of you were satisfied with the statement that the press was given after our last tour was cut short, and I know that lots of rumors flew around. Some of them weren't true, but some- some of them were. And while I generally try to keep my personal life private, I think I should share with you guys which ones _were_ true." A cheer started but Michael held out a hand to gently quiet it. "This is going to be hard, so bear with me." 

He went silent for a moment and it was quiet enough to hear a pin drop as the crowd held their breaths. 

"For the past few years I have been struggling with depression, insomnia, bulimia, and anorexia nervosa." A horrified but quiet gasp rippled through the crowd and many of the fans looked heartbroken. Luke swallowed hard as Michael's shoulders sagged. "It took me far too long to accept the diagnoses and get the help I needed. Much too long. In 2015 while our band was on a break, I tried to take my own life." 

Michael's voice cracked, his shoulders shaking, and Luke was out on the stage in a second, unsure as to what he was doing but confident that his Michael needed him there. No one in the crowd had the strength to cheer when he appeared and he didn't give a shit. Michael smiled weakly but genuinely up at him and then took a deep breath. 

"Touring with SLA literally saved my life. I was having dizzy spells, blacking out, and self harming. I went into cardiac arrest. But you- our fans- my band members, and the members of _Summer Love Affair_ have had my back. And Luke- " he choked and Luke rubbed his arm softly, smiling encouragingly at him. "Luke was my rock. He found out early on in the tour and helped keep me alive. When I was forced into a break to get psychiatric and physical help, Luke temporarily moved in with me when he was under no obligation to do so. Then I guess he just stayed." A quiet giggle.

"I wanted to," Luke said softly. Michael laughed wetly and grasped Luke's hand where it rested on his shoulder. 

"I know," he smiled. "And I'm sure you've all seen the videos outside my house-"

Even Luke couldn't hear the rest of Michael's sentence as the crowd went wild, despite being right beside him. Michael gave up on talking for a moment and grinned like an idiot. A chant of _muke_ went up and Luke whirled around to laugh at Calum when he realized he was the one to start it. Calum returned it with a shit-eating grin. 

"Alright, alright," Michael said when everyone had calmed down enough for him to be heard. "This past year hasn't been easy. Actually my whole life has been pretty hard. But I'm also so blessed to be up here sharing our music with these great musicians and with you, our fans. I wouldn't trade it for the world. And I want you all to know that getting help- it's hard. It's so fucking hard to admit you have a problem and ask people to help you, but it is so worth it, I swear to you. My life is going to be changed forever, for the better, and I know that any of you- all of you- you have the strength to do the same. Speak up. Don't let your struggles stay strong. Talking about them, that weakens them. Silence gives them strength, so don't let them have that."

Another long and loud cheer went up and Michael had to wait for it to dissipate once again. 

"Okay fine, now for some music." He laughed and stood, pushing the stool away and grabbing his guitar. "We're stealing Luke for this one." 

The crowd roared as Luke went and grabbed the mic set up for him and came back to Michael. "Okay everyone," he said, "we're going to bring it down a bit and share a currently unreleased song with you. It's called Jet Black Heart." 

Michael was swept away into his music as they began to play, but Luke didn't mind. He loved to watch Michael lose himself in it. 

" _Everybody's got their demons, even wide awake or dreaming_..."


End file.
